Flying Cross Chop

Counting to Ten with Good Music

2012-01-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

My friend just had his second child (and he's just one among many friends having kids). And as much as I find it bizarre that a guy I used to play Magic: The Gathering with when we were both 12 years old is now a father of two, I have to learn to accept that people grow up. Hell, his kid will grow up, and one of the things that his kid will need to learn is how to count to ten. He will also need to learn what good music is, and how to separate it from bad music that will rot his brain. So, in the spirit of raising the children of tomorrow, teaching them well and letting them lead the way, I present my 1-10 counting and music dual lesson extravaganza!

"One" - Harry Nilsson
Ecclectic songwriter Harry Nilsson wrote the opening to this song, the story goes, when he tried to call a friend and got a busy signal on the line. He sat there listening to the repetitive "bon-bon-bon" over and over, and the opening monotone of the song was born. Although the original version by the songwriter is stark and ethereal and really good, by far the most famous recording is the hard rocker by Three Dog Night (a band which made a lot of their money covering other artists), which I've linked above.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "One" by U2, because U2 is the worst band ever, and also has the number 2 in its name, which will confuse the child.

"Two Princes" - The Spin Doctors
Ah, the number two. A child's favorite number because poop-related things are fun when you're a kid. This fun little rock ditty by the here-today-gone-tomorrow Spin Doctors has always put a smile on my face, and probably would be an excellent soundtrack to dropping a deuce, among other things. It's basically the singer begging a chick to marry him instead of a rich guy because he loves her and the rich guy just has a lot of money. Why must women always choose between real love and driving a Bentley, I tell ya!

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Smoke Two Joints" by Sublime. Do I really need to explain why?

"Three Little Birds" - Bob Marley and the Wailers
This jaunty little reggae tune is guaranteed to put a smile on the face of even the most cynical and world-weary baby. Indeed, the image of three birds singing to the singer as he wakes up in the morning seems straight out of a Disney movie, but even more positive is their message: "Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right." Although possibly platitudinous, this is something I think we all need to hear once in a while.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Three Times a Lady" by Kenny Rogers. I never understood what "three times a lady" even means, and the song itself is moronical in both lyrics and music.

"Four Walls" - Cold Chisel
If you don't know them (and why would you?), Cold Chisel are an Australian "pub rock" band, huge in the 1970's and 80's, and still selling well today. This track, a lament about prison life, both showcases lead singer Jimmy Barnes' killer pipes and is a good lesson for your child about what happens if you go to prison. In Australia.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "25 or 6 to 4" by Chicago. Yes, 4 is in there, but there's too many goddamn numbers, it's confusing. And the lyrics make no sense. Good song for non-children, though!

"Take Five" - The Dave Brubeck Quartet
An excellent song for teaching your toddler how to count in odd rhythms, and also for teaching him how to write amazing, catchy music. Dave Brubeck's entire Time Out album could've been used on this list, but this song is his most famous, and for good reason. It's pretty damn astounding from a compositional and performance perspective.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Mambo Number 5" by Lou Bega. I'm not sure if Mambo Number 5 is the worst song ever written, but it's probably in the top... 5. See what I did there?

"6th Avenue Heartache" - The Wallflowers
Some people might advocate Jimi Hendrix's "If 6 was 9" here, but I can't go with that, because it a) it kinda reminds me of 69, and is therefore inappropriate, b) it has two numbers in it, confusing children, and c) it improperly uses the indicative mood of the verb "to be" where the subjunctive (i.e., "If 6 were 9) is correct. Therefore, I went with this fun, if slightly whiney, Wallflowers song, which I like mostly because of The Counting Crows' Adam Duritz's background vocals.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean" by Explosions in the Sky. Pretty much every Explosions in the Sky song sounds the same, and it's not like this one is bad, but I feel like being at the bottom of the ocean for six days without some kind of life-support system would be a dangerous goal for an infant to have.

"Theme from The Magnificent Seven" - Elmer Bernstein
One of the most famous and iconic of all Western themes, Bernstein's score was a major influence on the score John Williams did to Indiana Jones, among other things. It's also a really kick ass orchestral piece, evocative somehow of time for which it is, in reality, rather anachronistic. But such are the expectations that Hollywood engenders, I suppose. Any kid who listens to this song and doesn't get fired up ought to be sent to macho camp for three months. Unless it's a girl. Then four months.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "7 Things" by Miley Cyrus. Look, I don't hate all teen queen pop tarts, but Miley Cyrus is the most marginally talented of them to come along in a while. Also, her face looks like a frog. We don't want to scare the kids.

"Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive" - Johnny Mercer and the Pied Pipers
Okay, so this one doesn't exactly have "eight" in the title, but it does have "ate," and that's close enough, as far as I'm concerned. Honestly, there just aren't any really good songs with the number eight in the title folks. On the plus side, playing this song for him at number at will help your kid learn what a homonym is! And it has such a nice message, as well.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Eight Days a Week" by the Beatles. You don't want little Johnny growing up thinking the Beatles generally put out this kind of dreck, do you?

"Nine-Pound Hammer" - Merle Travis
One of the classic tunes of the bluegrass genre (which is awesome), this Merle Travis number has been covered about a bajillion times, but I like the live ensemble version I linked, above, a lot. I also like that this song is about the hardships of working on a railroad and/or coal mining, both pursuits you probably don't want your youngin' to be looking forward to as career choices while he's growing up. Life lessons abound in bluegrass music, folks. This one's especially perfect, as the number 9 is mentioned twice in the song: once referencing the titular hammer, and again when the singer asks the listener to make his tombstone "out of number-9 coal."

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Nine in the Afternoon" by Panic at the Disco. Look, nine-o'clock doesn't occur in the afternoon. You want your kid to grow up ignorant!?

"Tenth Avenue Freeze Out" - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
The quintessential E Street Band song, literally about the formation of the E Street Band itself, this is the perfect capper to the 1-10 list since it kicks so much ass. It also will teach your child about the importance of having a complete ensemble of instruments, literally with regard to music, and also in all group activities in life. You need your singer, your guitars, your piano, your drums, but you also need that bit of brass for color, too.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Ten Little Indians" by the devil himself. The goddamn most annoying song that kids sing, ever. Even if you like Indians and midgets.

The Meme Island Survival Game

2012-01-01T22:11:00.000-08:00

So, having little in the way of productive activities to occupy my time and no friends with whom to entertain myself over the winter hiatus, I decided to create a little game. This game is played entirely in your head -- it's just an imagination catalyst, really. It's a version of the "Island Survival" games that are popular on Reddit and 4chan (places I frequent), but it's extra-special meta. I call it: Meme Island Survival Boogie. I'll probably share this thing on those sites eventually, but for now, since I made it -- it goes on my blog exclusively. Intellectual property rights, ftw!

Here's an imgur link, for those having trouble viewing the version uploaded here.

Enjoy, and happy new year!

A Few Short Stories Every Guy Should Read

2011-05-25T18:35:00.000-07:00

Do you like short stories? I hope you do. I hope you've actually read a short story since leaving high school. They're one of the great genres of human expression, and just like comics or video games or music, you can do things with them that can't be done in other media. Now, there's all kinds of short stories -- as many as there are kinds of human experience -- but there are some that, if you're a dude, you can't properly consider yourself a "real man" (TM) unless you've read. I'm not going to list all of those here, but I will list the ones I consider absolutely critical for proper shaping of a genuine male human being. Women can read these, too, though. It's cool, there's even girls in some of them.

Oh, and I've tried to keep it to honest-to-goodness short stories here. Novellas and novelettes don't count. I've also chosen stories that were originally written in English. Not that I have anything against non-English writers, indeed I was sorely tempted to include some of my favorite Japanese and Russian stories in here, among others, but I think I'll dedicate another blog to the non-Anglophone world.

Leiningen Versus the Ants
by Carl Stephenson
So, remember how I said some of these short stories have women in them? Well, this one doesn't. It does have bloodthirsty, flesh-eating swarms of mindless death in insectoid form, though, so it's close. Ha ha, so funny with my irreverent misogyny, I tell ya. Anyway, this has been one of my favorites since days of Underoos -- it has it all. It's truly exciting, both in terms of what occurs and the way that Carl Stephenson (an author not known much for anything else) weaves his words into a hurtling steam-train of momentum. The protagonist has nothing but his wits, guile and guts to take on an ineffable, unending swarm of killer insects. The world isn't at stake, just his plantation, his pride, and his life. Rather than run, like all before him have, he stands up and refuses to give in -- one man versus billions. Stephenson's ingenious description of his hero's anti-ant (fun word!) traps and contraptions serve to make the story even more interesting to those of us interesting in tinkering with things and building our own death traps. This one is all man, all the time.

Katina
by Roald Dahl
"This is the RAF speaking. And one day, we will come back, do you understand? We will come back." I think a lot of us are raised to think of Roald Dahl as the author of slightly quirky, children-oriented novels like James and the Giant Peach or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but Dahl served as an aviator in World War II, and some of his earliest stories are about, or at least influenced by, his time spent flying in combat. This particular tale, set during the British retreat from the Germans in Greece at the outset of the war, is exciting, moving, tragic, and terribly powerful in its portrayal of the matter-of-fact approach that veterans have to war and its horrors, and how sometimes small things can transcend that cynicism, make the men transcend it, and show us a brief, flashing glimpse of the purest and best things in mankind, even among the squalor and brimstone of the battlefield. As an aside, another story in Over to You, the collection pictured at left, probably deserves a place on this list, but I had to choose just one. The entire collection is great, but if you only have time to read two, read "Katina" and then read "They Shall Not Grow Old." You will not consider it time wasted, I promise you.

The Falls
by George Saunders
It's a silly and fruitless task to pick a "favorite" anything, most of the time. It just can't be done: tastes changes from day to day, from mood to mood; and hell, things haven't stopped being made yet, so you can't choose a favorite anyway -- something better you didn't know about might cross your path in the next five minutes. That said, if I had to pick one short story that has everything - humor, compassion, humanity, courage, pettiness, cowardice, foolishness, worry, love, heart, and the simple men and small acts that become, slowly, heroic - this would be it. George Saunders' fiction can sometimes be extremely weird, but he often manages to bring that weirdness and that human idiosyncrasy around to show human "normalcy" in stark relief. This is his finest work, and a story about which there is absolutely nothing negative to say, nothing even average. It is a wonder of creation and something that absolutely everyone should read, enjoy, and appreciate.

Death Makes a Comeback
by James O'Keefe
This story is, apparently, not particularly famous, as I was unable to find an image of any book that contained it, other than this anthology one. Nevertheless, it is, in my opinion, a classic of Noir storytelling, and one with fascinating characters and a plot that goes from 0-60-100 in a second flat. The fact that the mystery itself isn't really all that mysterious only adds to the writer's challenge, and James O'Keefe comes through with dialogue you remember, complex characters you care about, and matter-of-fact narration that gives you all the atmosphere and grime of a Raymond Chandler novel, only set in the 1980's. The "floating narrator" technique, that is, the way O'Keefe jumps from inside one character's head to inside another's without warning or even breathing, only serves to keep the reader on his toes and increase the feeling of tension. A great detective story about real men, good and bad and both at once.

The Things They Carried
by Tim O'Brien
Because war is almost exclusively the purview of men (at least traditionally), it's not surprising that a short story set during a war would be a prime place to look for lessons about the differences between how men should act and how they actually do. But "The Things They Carried" goes beyond war by ignoring it completely, or almost completely. The horrible things that the men in the story do -- the actions they take -- are overwhelmed nearly completely by their thought processes and internal struggles. And some of the things they do aren't so horrible, even if they maybe think that they are. But the story's most compelling aspect is also its primary conceit: relating the men to the reader not by their actions, but by their things (physical and intangible). I wrote a story based partly on this one once, but it wasn't anywhere near as good -- this is the way it should be done.

Scarlet Stockings
by Louisa May Alcott
What, you thought that only men could write stories that are important for guys to read? Poppycock, I tells ya! I'm not ashamed to say that this story made me tear up a little -- because I'm a big softie, people, despite my gruff and macho exterior. On the inside, I'm a hopeless romantic. But this story, like all great stories, is about more than mere romance. It's about the relationships men have with the women in their lives: sisters, mothers, friends, lovers; and it's about the way relationships with women shape their view of themselves and their actions and decisions. Yeah, there's a little bit of sentimentality in here, but why can't we be in touch with our sentimental side once in a while, am I right? Yin and yang, people. Completeness makes the man.

The Killers
by Ernest Hemingway
Long before it was the name of a pretty good pop band, "The Killers" was a groundbreaking story that helped launch the career of one of the writers that came most to be associated with manliness, for better or for worse. Hemingway has a clipped, sparse quality to most of his writing, but this particular story is most interesting for the dialogue, and for the slow, layers-of-an-onion way that it reveals what's really going on. Of course, you know from the title at least a bit of what to expect, but that's what sets the stage for the tension that is at the core of this story. There's not a lot in the way of action, but there's a whole lot of suspense going on below the surface. This story reminds us that the most dangerous thing for a man is other men, even those we consider close to us, and that we can never really let down our guard around others. At least, that's the way Hemingway seemed to see things; whether you agree or not, it's an illuminating point of view to experience.

Haircut
by Ring Lardner
Everything in this blog entry is a short story in the genre sense, but only this one actually is a story, told to you in the second person by a barber, as if you were in his chair listening, the way that barber shops used to work before it cost a hundred bucks for a trim. This is an absolute masterpiece of revelatory fiction, as both the reader and the narrator come to realizations about the characters in his tale that neither was fully aware of beforehand, and that the narrator perhaps never fully realizes. Is it a conscious ignorance on his part? Are you just reading things into it? Whatever the case, this one will show you in stark relief that the core of a man is something that persists regardless of intelligence, wealth, or any other factors, and that you can only push a man so far in this world before there are inevitable consequences. For technique alone, this is one of the greatest storytelling achievements I know, and it's tremendously entertaining.

Harrison Bergeron
by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
I've intentionally stayed away from science-fiction stories, for the most part, here, as I'm going to do a further entry on sci-fi and horror fiction that everyone should read, but this one is only nominally sci-fi, and associated with a non-sci-fi writer, so I thought I'd let it through. This one is a warning about the dangers of putting "equality" on a pedestal as a virtue to be pursued, it's an admonition against government trying to socially engineer the world into a better place, and the real consequences of meddling with the natural order of things. But it's also about the power of the individual, the things that a man can do when he's willing, literally, to throw off the chains that hold him down, and why you can't always do what you're told. Sure, it's a little over the top in its demonstration, but sometimes going all the way to the logical extreme is the best way to show the ridiculousness of things we take for granted.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
by James Thurber
I'm sure you've heard of at least some of the stories on this list before, but I'm doubly sure you've heard of this one. It's one of the most famous American short stories ever, and one that has provided a character so iconic that his personality has entered the lexicon as a descriptive adjective: "mittyesque." Thoreau said that "most men live lives of quiet desperation," and that's true. We all have our own ways of dealing with this, and this story's protagonist does so by escaping into fantasies in which he is one kind or another of fantastic, archetypal male hero. It's good for men to understand what's going on here, and to relate it to our own lives. Or perhaps you think you're not like poor Walter, you've got more backbone and more willingness to stand up and face the world and its slings and arrows -- but ask yourself: when was the last time you played a video game in which you controlled a character in a heroic situation? How about the last time you had a sexual fantasy with yourself as a primary actor? Or any of a dozen other mental tricks we play on ourselves to keep it together in this life. Maybe there's a little Mitty in all of us. Then again, maybe it's just a fun story.

Split Cherry Tree
by Jesse Stuart
AND
The Strangers that Came to Town
by Ambrose Flack
Of all the relationships that men have, perhaps the most complex, influential, and long-lasting is the relationship we have with our fathers. These two stories are about two very different men from very different backgrounds, told from the perspective of their sons. The events of the stories are sort of comparable -- the sons are the catalysts for the father showing his character, and by watching the fathers we learn about the sons, too. I wanted to juxtapose these stories, both great, because of this, and because of the similar perspective of their respective narrators. Although our relationships with our fathers change as we grow older, the specter (or benevolent spirit, as the case may be) of the fathers we knew as children never really leaves us, and shapes us in ways we probably will never understand. Hell, a lot of psychologists would be out of work if we did. But stories like these help us understand at least that we're not alone in these complex relationships, and that, ultimately, if we're lucky, we may not understand our fathers, but we will respect them.

A Telephone Call
by Dorothy Parker
And finally, one to remind us guys that we're not the only people out there. Women, believe it or not, are people too. And sometimes, they like us. Or even love us. And this can wreck their whole lives. So let's remember that there's more to being a quality guy than just chiseled pecs and a rapier wit. There's also consideration, and a good sense of humor. Oh, and the ability to change a tire is big, too. But I digress. Dorothy Parker was one hell of a fun lady in her lifetime, and this story is quirky and probably close to as much fun as she was. Sure, it's a little stereotypical of women, and sure, it's probably a little longer than it needs to be, but I always like to close with something that's gonna leave a smile on your face, dear reader, and this story is guaranteed to do that. Enjoy.

Adventures in the Online Dating Trade

2011-02-14T08:01:00.000-08:00

s you may or may not know, I am constantly pursued by the laydays. They love me. It's a gift... but also, sometimes... a curse. Because I am so constantly pursued by the laydays, I needed to find a way in which I could meet a few good women without knowing that they were indubitably only interested in me for my sculpted physique, chiseled good looks, and thick, Levantine coiffure. So, having photoshopped a few pics of myself to tone down the Adonis-like handsomeness, I ventured into the world of online dating -- primarily using free services since I am way too friggin' cheap to pay for dates, let alone pay for finding a date.

Pretty much the only free dating service worth a damn is OkCupid, so I'm just going to ignore the others, although what follows here is applicable equally to all of them, and probably to pay sites, as well [NOTE: Apparently you can browse profiles on Match.com without paying for them, so I updated this with info from that.] See, this blog entry was supposed to be about my adventures in the online dating world, but those turned out to be fairly typical of dating generally, and not all that interesting -- unless you want to hear about night after night of massively mind-blowing, singularity-creating quantum supermassive power sex; and that's just quotidian for most of us, I'm sure. No, instead I'm going to write this as an advice column: the do's and don'ts of profile creation for women (and men, too, sure. I'm betting this applies more or less to men, too.) on the sites I tried. Go ahead and extrapolate it to every dating site ever, though.

That's right, bitches get crazy for dudes who chew with their mouths open.

All of the below is information culled from my own (extensive) experience, from interviewing friends and acquaintances about this, and from hour upon hour of statistical analysis -- well, more like a good half-hour. I numbered these for ease of tracking, but don't infer that they're ranked by importance. I have an importance ranking in my head, but I didn't care enough to rejigger this list with copy and paste and all that crap. Just rank them your damn self, what do you think this is, first class on Singapore Airlines or something?

#1: Don't Say It, Be It
Here's what you get a lot in the first paragraph of girls' profiles: "I'm funny, intelligent, and attractive." or some other flatly descriptive information. Problem is: saying you're something doesn't make you that thing -- if you're funny and intelligent, show people that by actually being funny and erudite in your profile. If you're attractive, look attractive in your pictures. It also doesn't help if you use some kinda third-party endorsement to make these statements indirectly, either: "My gynecologist says I have the prettiest vagina he's ever seen." That may be, but without actually seeing your vagina in your profile I have no idea if your vagina even exists and that's just lame.

"I have incredible stage presence." See? I proved it with this picture!

#2: Don't Give Irrelevant Information
Please, people, keep the stuff you write about yourself or your interests on point. Irrelevancy makes me bored and also makes me wonder if you have the capacity for higher order brain function. What counts as irrelevant? It really depends on what your angle is for your overall profile. If your angle is "funny and irreverent," then hell, you can put a lot of shit in there and, if it's funny and irreverent, guys will stay interested. If your angle, though, is "earnest and forthright," "sweet and innocent," or the oft-used "trying-to-be-edgy-but-really-just-being-bitchy," do us a favor and don't throw in things that nobody cares about. For example:

Hi, my name's Tammy [don't give your name; nobody cares at this point and it makes it seem like you don't care about your privacy like sane people do], LOL! [never, ever use internet-speak unironically] I'm a little scared of online dating, [see #5 below] and I come from Phoenix. [who cares?] It's so hard to talk about yourself on these profiles, I don't know what to say! [shoot anyone who uses this line] Sometimes I forget to put my turn-signal on while driving! [is this an attempt at demonstrating your cute klutziness? I have no idea, and it has nothing to do with anything, so don't say this.]

Nobody cares about stupid crap like this, it has nothing to do with whether or not we want to date you. This would be like showing up on a date at a restaurant, and I open the convo by asking you if you like movie/band/book/sports team X, and you spent 15 minutes talking about why you choose paper over plastic at the supermarket. It's not relevant to what we're discussing, and it would never be relevant to what we might possibly be discussing, because in no universe ever would any parallel version of me give a raccoon's garbage-filled turd about what kinds of bags you use at the supermarket. Nobody would. I know you're nervous and you don't know how to get started writing your profile, so you want to spend time writing insipid crap like this to prime the pump -- but just skip it.

#3: Don't Give Overly Detailed Information
Related to the above: don't go overboard with the stuff you describe about yourself. Nobody cares about what boring town you're from, but neither does anybody need to hear the abstract of your graduate thesis on human behavioral psychology or the thing this swami told you in India and how it affected your chi or whatever.

TMI falls under this category, too. Telling me about how you love how your farts smell is a) grody, and b) not something that matters to me in the slightest. Presumably you will not be farting a large amount around me, at least on the first few dates. I also don't need to know what kind of sexual positions you find stimulating, that you recovered from being mentally retarded as a child, or that some awful disaster happened to someone close to you and now you're all scarred and shit, but still positive about life. This may all be stuff we want to share with each other at some later date, but don't put it on your profile. You're selling yourself here. Your profile needs to be a marketing pitch for your product's strengths, not the troubleshooting section of the instruction manual.

I wouldn't tell women that this photo of me existed right off the bat.

#4: Don't Use Terms Without Defining Them
"I'm a country girl at heart." What the hell does that even mean? You like country music? You come from a ranch where ma and pa still raise llamas? You meant to say "cunty," but can't spell? Don't make me guess, just tell me: "I like country music and also, I am a cunt." Thanks, now I know what I'm working with.

#5: Don't Explain Why You're Doing Online Dating
I know, I know: you're all embarrassed about having had to resort to online dating, and you're afraid that people are going to judge you for being on this website and not being able to get a date in the real world, or something. Hey, guess what: I'm on this site, too. And do you know what I infer when you spend a whole paragraph explaining why you are the exception that slipped through the cracks and totally not like the normal losers who would fall back on online dating? I infer that I am one of those losers. Thanks a lot, dick.

Also, this is irrelevant information to me (see #2, above): we're on a dating site -- I'm here to learn about you, not to hear your excuses for why you're on here. It's doubly annoying when people put crap like: "My friends made me do this!" or the thinly veiled excuse "I just moved here from out of town, so I thought I'd give this a try." Because you were a frickin' marriage machine back wherever you're originally from, right? Please.

The lone exception to this rule is if you want to say something positive about online dating in general: "I'm hopeful I'll meet somebody great on here!" That's not really super relevant, and it's pretty fucking obvious, but hey, at least it's not an excuse.

I tried going to the clubs, but this is the only dance move I know, so I'm trying online dating now...

#6: Don't Have Cats
I cannot stress this one enough. It seems like every unattached female on OkCupid has one or more cats. Here's a secret: cats suck. Guys do not like them. Also, owning them makes you seem desperate and pathetic. A dog is fine (not more than one, though). No birds, they're loud and dirty. Fish are cool. Nonstandard pets... well, it depends. I went out with a girl who had a pet millipede once and I refused to enter her house because all I could do was picture her sexually with the millipede crawling all over her and it was a complete turn off and also she said she didn't want to have sex that night so screw her.

If you must have a cat or other pathos-inducing animal, don't cop to it on your profile. You're 90% more likely to turn dudes away than you are to attract them with your ostensible compassion and love of animals. If you have multiple cats, just give up on life completely. Or kill the cats and live a life of joy and carefree ecstasy immediately thereafter.

#7: Don't be a Vegetarian
Or have any kind of significant food restrictions, really. No matter what the reason is, such limitations narrow you and make you seem like you have a stick up your ass. I know, I know -- maybe you genuinely are lactose intolerant and shit actual flames if you have so much as a pat of butter -- but you don't need to let everybody under the sun know that right out of the gate. Just go out on a date and avoid dairy, or meat or whatever; if your date notices, then go ahead and explain. If not, cool, nobody noticed and it wasn't an issue. But don't put restrictive stuff up on your profile because it just makes guys think "Crap, where the hell am I gonna take this girl to dinner... and who is gonna cook me a steak up in this bitch?" and guys don't like inconvenient stuff like that. Except for Al Gore, but he's a total douche.

Doesn't matter if your eating restrictions are religious, either. I mean, you may as well say if you're a religious fanatic and only looking for other religious fanatics, but if you're not a psycho Muslim/Jew/Buddhist/Mormon, yet still keep to some sort of religious diet, again, no need to advertise this. If you're a vegan, just fucking kill yourself. You're a useless sack of shit and nobody likes you or being around you. Seriously.

Just eat and drink like a normal person and all will be well.

#8: Have Some Real Pictures
Of yourself. Not of you and four other girls, not of your dog (or, God forbid, your cat), not of your nephew, and not of you in some ridiculous getup/mask/makeup/state of disheveledness. Have at least one picture that shows you full face or three-quarters. Profile is fine in addition, but not by itself -- it's fine to emphasize your good side (everyone has one, usually because everybody's nose bends slightly one way or the other), but hopefully your good side isn't a shot down your shirt. If you want to show off your cleavage, hey, I won't object, but at least put the rest of you in there somewhere. Please don't make the "kissy face," or as my friend Stacy calls it, the "Sexy Duck Face." This makes it impossible to take you seriously.

Additionally, include at least one or two full-body shots. This does not mean a shot that you took yourself holding the camera almost directly above your head and cropped to obscure your fatness as much as possible. Somebody else should have taken this shot of you -- and again, you should be the only person in it -- and it should, like all your pictures, have been taken within at most a couple of years of posting it. Well, check that, any picture that is an accurate depiction of how you look now is totally fine, regardless of age. Just make sure that how you look now really is how you used to look. Ask a third party to compare recent with older pictures if you have to. Sound embarrassing? Maybe, but not as embarrassing as showing up on a date and being 15 pounds heavier than your pictures look, and then having your date straight walk out on you. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Guys, don't ever, ever do this. Be nice. Fat girls are people, too -- you will also be unattractive some day.]

Some very important things: don't put up pictures that obfuscate important information (and don't lie to yourself and others when you do this -- you did it on fucking purpose). That means: no giant sunglasses, no goofy masks or Halloween makeup, no pictures of you with a gaggle of similarly attired females, no picture that's been post-processed or 'shopped for "artistic" purposes. You cannot make yourself into a pretty girl if you're not by hiding behind a bunch of smoke and mirrors like this. I will never, ever message girls that put up bullshit pictures because it just shows a lack of respect for the process, and, by extension, for all the guys trying to meet women on here. We're really not this stupid. I know, I know, guys do this crap in their pictures, as well. Whatever, they're assholes, too -- doesn't make you less of a cock.

Also, don't have six pictures of yourself, all of which you just took this minute, all in the same outfit, in the same setting. Have some variety -- your pictures can also show me a little bit about what you're like, what activities you like, who you hang out with, etc. Don't be a one-picture wonder.

ProTip: Everybody looks better in black and white. If you want to use a black and white photo to lead off, good call! As long as it doesn't violate the above rules, hit it.

Don't make this face -- it totally makes it look like you're about to rape a dude in the ass.

#9: Have a Real Job
Or at least have the common decency to admit that you're unemployed. Don't be all: "I'm an actress, but I wait tables to pay the bills." You're a fucking waitress, I'm sorry. If and when you get paid on the regular to act, then you can say you're an actress. Oh I know, I know. And yes, it's true, it's true -- you are an actress in the sense that it is your passion and pursuit and you may be very good at it, and you may one day have a big break and be awesome. Fine. But that is not the question. The question is: what is your profession? How do you pay the bills? I may want to be a professional soccer player, I may play with a team on the weekends and practice after work, and I be really damn good and get called up to play in the Premiership one day. But when someone asks me what I do for a living, I tell them what my actual job is.

I realize that many of you may not be from L.A., and therefore may not be used to the "I'm an actress" spiel (for men, this is often the "I'm a screenwriter" spiel). To that end, this rule also encompasses people who just have bullshit jobs, or who bullshit about having a job, in general. Look, if you're 18, cool -- you can say you work at Burger King or whatever, it's all good. But if you are over 23 and you have not graduated from college/landed a real job -- that's totally fine, too! (Went the other way on you there, didn't I?) It's fine, really. If when you're reading this, the U.S. has continued going on the path that it's on when I'm writing this, the economy probably really sucks balls and finding work is probably hard. No sweat, mamasita; only, don't lie about this or make some weird excuses or gloss over it completely. There's no shame in being unemployed (as long as it's not because you're, you know, in prison or something), so just effing go ahead and say it. Be yourself, even if you don't like everything about where yourself is at the moment. Honesty, contrary to Billy Joel's theory, is not necessarily a lonely word.

All that said: try to have a job. It's better if it's a job that you don't hate hate hate. To be sure, very few people looooove their jobs, and that's okay. We all accept as humans that we have to eat some shit in order to put our kids through private school. But if you truly loathe your job, you're likely to be an unhappy or even depressed person, and the sad truth of life is that negative people -- even those who have very good reasons to be negative -- generally turn other people off. I'm not saying you should be all chipper and thrilled about being a waitress -- service is one of the toughest jobs there is -- but neither should you bitch and moan, or worse, lie about it. Just accept it, let me know that you've accepted it and are hopeful that better will come your way, and we'll be golden. But yeah, try your best to have a good job; as Grampa Neigher always says: "Money isn't everything, but it can't hurt."

I'm not a lawyer, I'm a professional pianist! Just look at the way I enthrall the masses!

#10: Invite Messages from Others
Speaking of being negative, it's important to convey openness and positivity in your profile -- warmness. It's fine to be snarky, witty, whatever, but don't be a bitch and don't say shit like: "Only message me if you think you're at least an 8 on the hotness scale and you can name at least 20 elements with atomic weights above 75, off the top of your head." You will only intimidate nice guys, piss off assholes, and set yourself up for being trolled constantly. If you think you're hot shit, cool, be hot shit (see #1, above) -- but online dating is impersonal enough as it is, don't make it a fucking audition to take you to dinner, that's just retarded.

Corollary to this, you need to have enough stuff in your profile, both in terms of quantity of text and quality of it, to give people some way to initiate a conversation with you. The fact of the matter, at least in my experience, is that guys initiate the conversations in online dating like, oh I'm just gonna say... 98% of the time. You have to both give us a reason to want to initiate a conversation with you and something to talk about when we do.

So here's a picture of me making a face, with a halo over my head. That's a good conversation starter!

#11: Don't be Fat
Yep, pretty straightforward. Look on the bright side: the analogue for guys is: don't be short, so you've got it a lot easier than we do. It's also important not to be ugly, in general -- or more precisely, to look as good as you possibly can. If you're okay with pulling in ugly dudes, hell, be fat and ugly. But if you are interested in attractive people, you're going to need to not be fat. I'm not saying you have to look like a supermodel, but you need to look like you at least care that you just cut out a slice of cake and then ate the rest of the cake and left the slice for everybody else. Also, never, ever use the fat-girl-angle photo to disguise your fatness. That's terrible.

Oh, and if you're a really tall girl (over 5'9"), you're going to have a tougher time meeting guys. That sucks, and there's nothing you can do: you're going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that the pool of dudes that're tall enough for you is relatively small -- really tall dudes are fairly rare, and really tall, good-looking dudes exceedingly so. Sorry. Guys, should do their best to not be short. It's really our fault, in the end.

#12: For God's Sake, Look Like Your Pictures
So, building off #8, above: if you put up some pictures of yourself it's really, really critical that they represent the way you look currently. No excuses here. If you've gained 5 pounds and you're thinking: "Ah, what's the difference?" The difference is 5 pounds, motherfucker, put up some accurate pictures. There is absolutely nothing worse than showing up on what's essentially a blind date and the girl is heavier than her pictures, has terrible skin, is five months pregnant, has a facial tattoo, etc. Do not hide or obfuscate relevant visual info because that's just going to piss me off. I'll still probably buy you dinner, because my momma raised me right -- but I will make jokes at your expense with my friends afterward, because you fucking deserve it for hoodwinking me.

Here's a photo I had a friend take of me literally 5 minutes ago. Accurate and up to date.

#13: Use Contractions
One thing to remember when writing in general, and especially when you're writing conversationally (as you should in your profile), is that's the way you want to write: conversationally. Just write as if you were having a conversation with someone. Kinda like I've been doing in this blog entry. Just because something is written down on paper, some people seem to think it suddenly takes on some formalistic, arcane quality. Maybe this is the fault of our awful educational system, maybe it's just because writing well is a lot harder than most people think it is, who knows? But trust me. You don't need to try to use big, "impressive" words, although if you feel that a sesquipedalian verbosity suits your personality and writing style, go for it. But realize that it tends to make your profile sound clinical and cold, not "intelligent" -- and remember what I said about conveying warmness (#10, above). Being a good writer means being able to express yourself in any context -- a good writer has the tools to sound all highfalutin and shiznizz, but a really, really good writer knows when those tools are needed and when you can just jury rig the thing with a piece of gum and a bread-bag tie. Now, having said all that:

#14: Use Proper Grammar, Spelling, and Style
Of all the items on this list, none is more important, with the possible exception of not being fat, than this one. If you have bad grammar, typos, poor spelling, "internet speak" (clutch the pearls!), crazy formatting/spacing/capitalization, non-sequiturs, malapropisms, etc., in your profile, you will be instantly judged by people knowledgeable enough to know that these things are in your profile. Other guys may not care or even know, but those are the kinds of guys who are only on this site to find women to cheat on their wives with. Having that type of stuff in your profile will make it way, way less attractive, and make you seem really dumb. No excuses -- if you're dyslexic or just a bad speller, have a friend proofread for you. If you just can't understand the basic grammar rules of the English language, you probably should get back to Mrs. Davis' sixth-grade class and stop posing as a 25-year-old on a dating site, little girl.

It's great to express yourself, and you need to do it in your own voice, sure, but that doesn't include illiteracy. Run afoul of #14 at your peril.

Sup?

Okay, enough already. I think that pretty much covers the major issues I've encountered in dating profiles. Hopefully, armed with the knowledge I've given you here, you, too, can improve your dating lifestyle, and score one for the kids.

Great Covers: Vol. 8

2010-11-24T16:55:00.000-08:00

Back after a yearlong hiatus to bring you more of the best songs performed by people other than the people who originally performed and/or wrote them. Also, back to bring you some really, really overly complex sentences. Enjoy!

The Black Keys - "No Fun"
(The Stooges)

The Black Keys are a two piece band -- one guitarist/singer, and one drummer -- and are therefore sometimes compared to The White Stripes. But the Black Keys play a different kind of music, and have a very different sensibility about what amounts to musically cool. This song is an example of the Black Keys' traditional approach, being heavily composed of a driving, simple beat and a series of semi-distorted, blues-based guitar chords. Dan Auerbach's vocals (along with some post-pro from the sound engineer) gives almost all of the Black Keys' songs a kind of desperate, screaming power, and this cover of a rather nondescript Stooges song shows how a generally different vibe, more than any direct change musically, can amount to a significant change in the way a song feels and what people feel it's about. The original Stooges track is, like many of their songs, rather laconic; you're never quite sure if the singer is really serious about what he's singing about. This cover brings a shooting pain to the lyrics, yet keeps your feet tapping at the same time.

Everclear - "Brown-Eyed Girl"
(Van Morrison)

Art Alexakis is one of the quintessential songwriters of the early 2000's: fusing late-90's emo with mid-decade power pop. Unfortunately, his vocal talents don't match his songwriting skills, and if you've ever heard these guys live, you know that never has there been a man more grateful for living in the autotune era. Comparing Alexakis, then, with one of the greatest vocal talents of the 20th century, Van Morrison, is probably unfair -- but this driving, rocking cover of Morrison's most famous track is just too much fun to pass up. The overproduced sound stands in stark contrast to Morrison's simpler arrangement, and the re-imagining of the famous "Sha-la-la-la-la" chorus works, I think, better than it probably has a right to. There's something about the way Alexakis approaches his performances that infuses them with an irrepressible glee -- even when he's singing about pain and loss and heartbreak. So that glee is even stronger and harder to contain when he's covering this joyous tune.

John Scofield - "The Angel of Death"
(Hank Williams)

This entire album, featuring guitarist John Scofield performing traditional, country, and gospel songs, is really excellent -- if you like music with spirituality at its base, you won't find much better. This particular track was a hit for Hank Williams about a gazillion years ago, and the original version is graced by Williams' wonderful vocal, but not by modern production or recording techniques. Scofield's cover, while perhaps not as stripped down as Williams' original, is nevertheless just as pure and genuine. Like much of Scofield's work, this song spends plenty of time between the lyrics showcasing Scofield's admirable guitar work, as well as bass and organ fills. But it's the haunting lyrics, lugubrious pacing, and general sense of awe that this song brings that really drive it home for me as a successfully spiritual piece.

Peter Gabriel - "The Book of Love"
(The Magnetic Fields)

This is a song composed almost entirely of three chords. Both the original and this wonderful cover share that characteristic. You'd think two songs with such a necessary musical similarity would be basically the same in any version or performance, but Peter Gabriel's raspy vocal and strings arrangement take the Magnetic Fields' slightly sardonic original to an entirely new place. Like a lot of the best love songs, this one manages to infuse pieces of humor along with the melodrama, giving it the valuable quality of not taking itself too seriously. That said, you'd be hard pressed to find a more simply moving love song, or one that's as easy to play on the piano. Of all the covers on today's list, this is the only one that anyone would conclude is definitely better than the Magnetic Fields' original. It's just more musical and harmonically beautiful, in the end.

Rock Sugar - "Dreaming of a Whole Lotta Breakfast"
(Aerosmith, Supertramp, Led Zeppelin)

So, this one sits somewhere between a cover and a mashup, and is one of an entire album full of similar tracks by indie band Rock Sugar (the lead singer is the same guy who did the voice of Yakko Warner on Tiny Toon Adventures!). The concept with this band is that they take a variety of classic rock songs and mash them up into single tracks, either by putting the lyrics of one song over the instruments of another, or by splicing different chunks together, etc. The key difference between these guys and a genuine mashup, though, is that these guys are performing and singing the songs themselves, rather than mixing together the original tracks. Sometimes the verisimilitude is astonishing, as with the little snippet of the "Stairway to Heaven" guitar solo you get here. But, rather than talk too much and ruin the surprise, I'll just let this one speak for itself. If you'd like to hear more by these guys, almost all their tracks are on YouTube, and many are really fun.

Libertarian Songs

2010-08-14T22:05:00.001-07:00

So, a couple months ago, the National Review published an article on the "Top 50 Conservative Songs" in rock and roll (many of these are "conservative" by a stretch of reasoning at best), and countless publications have put forth lists of songs with a so-called liberal bent, but what about those of us whose only agenda is freedom for ourselves and our fellow man? To where can we turn for a little anthemic inspiration? Well, fear not, friends: I've got a list of ten great ones right here for ya -- and not just songs with a libertarian point of view, but actual good music that you may not have heard before, too. I tell ya, at Flying Cross Chop we cover all the bases.

Keep in mind that just because these songs have a libertarian meaning, doesn't mean the band, the songwriters, or even the original intent of the song were consciously libertarian. Then again, in some cases, it's pretty safe to assume they were.

As usual, some of these are covers. I chose the cover versions because I like the music better, but the song itself is exactly (or virtually) identical in meaning to the original. If a song is a cover, the original writers/recorders are listed below in parentheses.

Die Toten Hosen - "Do Anything You Wanna Do"
(Eddie and the Hotrods)

So here's a song by an English pub band covered by a German punk bank in the American punk-rock style -- ain't modern culture great? From the title alone, you immediately know this is a song about individualism, doing what you think is right, and self-empowerment. But more than that, this is a powerful indictment of the mentality that is inculcated in most of by modern society -- that you have to fit in to a particular mold, do a certain job, or that you have to "fit in." Most of punk rock in general is extremely libertarian at its core -- it's about breaking down the chains of customs and mores and politics and all that crap that society puts on us and expressing ourselves however we want. Yeah, punk was, by and large, angrier about it than a lot of libertarians are willing to be, but this song isn't about wrath or rage, it's about empowerment and realizing that there are millions and millions of people like us out there, all struggling against being controlled.

"No one tells you nothing,
even when you know they know.
But they tell you what you should do;
they don't like to see you grow."

The Arcade Fire - "Intervention"

It's important to remember that the agents of tyranny aren't always governmental in nature. Organized religion, too, has played a powerful role in the psychological (and physical) enslavement of men. In this song, off of what must surely be one of the top 500 albums of the 2000's, Canadian-American band The Arcade Fire take on the relationship between the church, the state, and the military-industrial complex in one fell swoop. Like all good songwriting, it's also very much about internal, personal struggles at the same time as it is about external struggles. But the indictment in the lyrics of some of the worst byproducts of organized religion is striking, and -- along with the organ's crushing wall of sound -- drives home the key libertarian idea of emancipating yourself from those who seek to control you, even when they promise to do so for your own good.

"Been working for the church while your life falls apart.
Singing Hallelujah with the fear in your heart."

Bruce Springsteen - "Man at the Top"

It's a testament to the ecumenical appeal of certain core libertarian ideas that even avowed left-wing people like Bruce Springsteen write songs about them. "Man at the Top" is a pretty clear song about a pretty clear idea -- that everyone, ultimately, is out for his own self interest. This doesn't, as any halfway decent libertarian will tell you, mean that everyone is selfish and self-serving. It doesn't even mean that everyone wants material gain at all. But it does mean that everyone wants to achieve his personal goals, do what he thinks is right, and be the best at what he does. This principle, as the song says, is universal regardless of race, creed, profession, or culture. It drives all of society. Now, while this song is certainly not advocating a particular point of view, it quite clearly is elucidating a very important truth that underlies all of libertarian thought. Plus, it's just an awesome song. So, onto the list it goes!

"Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief,
doctor, lawyer, Indian chief,
one thing in common they all got:
everyone wants to be the man at the top."

Marc Broussard - "Inner City Blues"
(Marvin Gaye)

In one fell swoop, this fantastic song by Marvin Gaye goes after taxes, inflation (which a good economist knows is really just another form of taxation), abuse of the police power, the military draft, and government spending on useless projects. Pretty damn impressive! It's also a beautiful and heart wrenching description of the many, many struggles that poor people have to overcome to have a chance -- struggles that are caused because governments put up impediments for the poor in the name of helping them. Taxes are supposed to benefit the lowest among us, and yet they end up hurting that group the most. The police are supposed to protect the downtrodden, yet they are the ones who do the most treading. And inflation and the political machinations of our so-called leaders only obfuscate the issues and make the poor who struggle to understand and escape their predicament that much worse off. Wonderful, funky sort of song that crawls into your heart and hoists a picket sign, I chose this cover version by Marc Broussard because I find the vocal a tad clearer than Gaye's original, and because the recording is sharper.

"Inflation. No chance. To increase finance.
Bills pile up. Sky high. Send that boy off
to die."

John Mayer - "Who Says"

I happen to know that John Mayer is himself politically libertarian, so his work is a fairly obvious choice to include on this list. Mayer takes a lot of crap for his approach to songwriting, what some people see as his housewife-targeted commercialism, and just the fact that he's popular. This song, though, I think is atypical of his somewhat more romantic, introspective stuff: it simply celebrates the fact that an individual can do whatever the hell he pleases when no one is watching over his shoulder. It also, in a somewhat oblique way, argues for the libertarian stand against prohibition (of drugs, one assumes, in this case). Hell, it even throws in a little subliminal ad for Mayer's website in the middle of the lyrics -- capitalism, what could be more libertarian than that?

"Who says I can't get stoned?
Turn off the lights and the telephone --
me in my house alone.
Who says I can't get stoned?"

Randy Newman - "Louisiana 1927"

Obviously, not every song with a libertarian message was written with that message consciously in mind -- or at least not only that message. As I've said multiple times in this blog, this song is among my top 100 songs ever written, and it is, really, not about a political message. But it does, very poignantly and in Newman's classic, sardonic way, point out the utter uselessness of the government during the Great Flood of 1927 in Louisiana. The song doesn't make it clear, but during that flood, levees were intentionally dynamited by the government so that the lands of poor white farmers (referred to here as "crackers" by President Coolidge) would be flooded and and destroyed rather than those of the richer city dwellers below them. It didn't really work, and neither did the government's lukewarm cleanup effort. Not much else to be said -- much like Katrina so many years later, government was responsible for the construction, then demolition, then reconstruction of the levees, and it all sucked.

"President Coolidge came down on a railroad train,
with a little fat man with a notepad in his hand.
President said: 'Little Fat Man, ain't it a shame
what the river has done to this poor cracker's land?'"

The Dropkick Murphys - "Fields of Athenry"
(Traditional)

Rebellion against government intervention in your life is easier to get behind when you don't consider the ruling body to be legitimate on your soil at all. Such is the case with a whole hell of a lot of colonized territories around the world. Ireland certainly falls into that category, at least during the period in which it was governed in its entirety by Britain. It's no surprise then that punk rock, a form of music inherently hostile to authority in any form, should mesh so well with traditional Irish forms and lyrics. The Dropkick Murphys are just one Celtic Punk band that's made that fusion work. This song, a traditional Irish ballad that will be instantly familiar to fans of Scotland's Celtic F.C., is about a poor Irishman who poached some corn from a farm owned by a British civil servant in order to feed his starving children and, as a result, was sent on a prison ship to Australia, is particularly powerful. Apart from the outright injustice of the situation -- it was, the song implies, the British civil servants who'd left the man's family in a starving state in the first place -- it also demonstrates the ways in which even downtrodden individuals can show pride and belief in themselves in the worst of circumstances.

"By a lonely prison wall, I heard a young man calling:
'Nothing matters, Mary, when you're free!
Against the famine and the Crown, I rebelled, they cut me down.
Now you must raise our child with dignity.'"

N.W.A. - "Fuck tha Police"

As with the Irish, oppressed minorities in other countries tend to demonstrate the worst things about the state, and put in stark relief that for all the state's high-minded propaganda about protecting and serving the people, the truth is that the machinery of the state (that is to say, the use of force) is in the hands of people. Often, very flawed people. The LAPD certainly is a good example of how state control of violence can be used for perverse purposes. If, for example, the LAPD had been a private organization in competition with other private organizations for the tax revenues of the neighborhoods it was tasked with protecting, does anyone imagine that the L.A. riots would have happened? Let alone the history of racism and violence and corruption in the LAPD stretching back almost 100 years. Of course not, instead, people in black and Hispanic neighborhoods would've fired the LAPD and hired another police force more likely to protect them. That's how the market deals with racists, for example. This is also a song that extols the very important libertarian virtue of citizen weapons ownership and the need to ensure always that the state fears its citizens, and not the other way around.

"To the police I'm saying: 'Fuck you, punk!'
Readin' my rights and shit, it's all junk.
Pullin' out a silly club so you stand
With a fake-ass badge and a gun in your hand."

Stevie Ray Vaughan - "Taxman"
(George Harrison)

The absolute classic of classic libertarian songs was written by a guy who probably would've considered himself anything but libertarian. But hey, the views of libertarianism are pretty much universal when it gets down to the man messing with your money! Bottom line: nobody, however much he convinces himself that socialism works, approves of getting 70+% of his money taken away (the tax bracket George Harrison was in when he wrote this) just because he's better at making money -- i.e., better at producing something people want to buy -- than anyone else. That's just asinine. This song speaks for itself, no need to belabor the issue at all, but I do particularly like this version by Stevie Ray Vaughan because it a) shows that the phenomenon of getting taxed and hating it is not limited to Englishmen from the 1960's, and b) because Stevie Ray Vaughan was the greatest guitarist ever and I want you to hear at least a little of his music!

"Let me tell you how it will be:
There's one for you, nineteen for me.
'Cause I'm the taxman."

Huey Lewis and the News - "It's Alright"
(Curtis Mayfield)

A big part of libertarian philosophy is built upon a different type of mindset from either conservatism or so-called liberalism. Those political ideologies are predicated on the idea that the world, or more specifically humanity, is inherently stupid or foolish or flawed or evil or prurient or whatever. But libertarians, ultimately, believe that mankind is pretty much a-okay (except, of course for the annoying tendency to want to be controlled by authority figures) and the world is pretty much a fine place. Libertarians don't believe in sensationalist claims of environmental disaster or corruption of youth or any of that crap because we understand that the real truth is that people do just fine when left alone. It's important to realize this, and to appreciate that life is going to be okay, if we just get out of the way and let everybody else live how they want to live -- and they'll do the same for us. So, I thought I'd close with this positive song with a positive message for a positive political philosophy. I chose this particular a capella version by Huey Lewis and the News instead of the original Curtis Mayfield track because, believe it or not, it just sounds like the guys are having more fun than Curtis did when he recorded it. Whatever version you listen to, though, this is one of the best, most put-a-smile-on-your-face tracks you'll ever hear. Be happy, my liberal and conservative friends!

"When you wake up early in the morning,
feeling sad like so many of us do,
hum a little soul, and make life your goal,
and surely something's gotta come to you.
And you gotta say it's all right."

Okay, CrossChop fans, there's ten songs to support liberty for ya. Did I leave anything off the list? Think I'm way off base for what's on here? Leave a comment and let me know!

Scenes

2010-03-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

When you think about the times that made up your life, you're likely to think of specific memories -- people, things that were said, places, etc. -- rather than a wide panoply of emotions and times. In a way, movies (and other literary forms) are subject to the same sort of selective memory. We tend to think of our favorite lines and shots, rather than the movies as a whole. Maybe writers and directors will hate me, then, for encouraging this, but I want to share some of my favorite scenes from movies (sometimes the movies are awesome in their own right, sometimes not) with you.

Most of these are not world-famous "You can't handle the truth!"-type scenes, but rather smaller scenes from big movies or big scenes from lesser-known movies. I would caution you that there are crazy spoilers below, and that you really owe it to any film to see it in its entirety if you like the scene, but I do my best to give you the setup without spoiling the whole film.

From "The Big Kahuna" (1999)

Adapted by Roger Rueff from his own play, The Big Kahuna was compared by some to David Mamet's Glengarry Glen Ross, but in reality has a very different message and focuses on very different people (although both plays involve salesmen). The below scene is interested because it stands completely on its own -- you really don't have to know much about the context of the rest of the movie to understand it. But just to set it up for you: Bob (Peter Facinelli) is a new hire to an industrial lubricants company's sales team, who accompanies Larry (Kevin Spacey) and Phil (Danny DeVito) to a convention. Bob manages to get an invite to a party with an important potential client, but rather than use his meeting to pitch the client on lubricants, Bob uses the opportunity to proselytize to the man about his Christian faith. This infuriates Larry, who storms out just prior to the beginning of this scene in which Phil attempts to impart some knowledge and experience to Bob:

From "Broadway Danny Rose" (1984)

Woody Allen, one of the greatest screenwriters of all time, has a rare knack for both comedy and drama (sometimes simultaneously), but this scene below is pure hilarity. Like many great comedic set-pieces, it really needs no introduction, but the basics here are: Danny Rose (Allen), half-assed talent agent, and Tina Vitale are running from a mob goon whose boss thinks Tina is cheating on him with Danny and has murderous intentions for the both of them. That's all you need to know:

From "Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring" (2003)

Sometimes a script comes along that is just perfect for a particular director. "Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring" is one of those -- the almost hagiographic subject matter and ethereal tone of the film were perfectly suited to Kim Ki-duk's understated, stream-of-consciousness style. This is a beautiful, amazing film throughout, and one you would do well to see in its entirety, but let me try to set up this scene. The character you see here (the characters do not have names) was a young apprentice to a Buddhist monk at the beginning of the film. As a child, he had cruelly lashed stones to small animals in a pond near the monk's shrine, and watched as they struggled to survive with the added weight. As he grows up, the young apprentice experiences many life changes, eventually leaving the shrine, and ending up in prison. Upon his release, he returns to find his old mentor dead and the shrine in disrepair. This scene comes at the culmination of the young apprentice's attempt to purify himself and the shrine, and to atone for what he has done. The incredible, haunting song is the traditional Korean "Jeongseon Arirang" performed by Kim Young-im.

From "Amadeus" (1984)

Obviously film is a multimedia art form, and music plays a major role in just about every movie and every powerful scene in every movie. Perhaps no film, though, ever captured the transfigurational power of music the way Peter Shaffer's Amadeus did. Below is a short monologue from early in the film -- the setup is that Antonio Salieri (played by F. Murray Abraham) is recounting to a young priest his experiences with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Tom Hulce) and Mozart's incredible musical talent. Salieri had met Mozart earlier in the film and was disgusted by the composer's bad manners and infantile behavior -- referring to him as a "performing monkey." And then Salieri encounters some of Mozart's sheet music (the piece is the 3rd Movement, Adagio, from the Serenade No. 10 for Winds in B-flat major):

From "Great Balls of Fire!"(1989)

This biopic starring Dennis Quaid as Jerry Lee Lewis is a little odd, a bit screwy, and a whole lot of fun. In my favorite scene, Chuck Berry (unknown actor), who was infamous among musicians for being a major prick, refuses to play his set before Lewis, despite the fact that Lewis is a rising star and has the number one record at the time. The scene really needs no further introduction, but I will say this: Great Balls of Fire has the all time greatest ending title card in movie history. After the final scene fades to black, before the credits roll, a card comes up that reads: "Jerry Lee Lewis is playing his heart out somewhere in America tonight." Awesome:

From "Empire of the Sun" (1987)

This is my favorite scene from a Steven Spielberg film, although this isn't necessarily my favorite Steven Spielberg film. I don't know if it's because I saw this movie at a certain time in my life, or if something about it appeals to me on a basic level, but this never fails to move me. I hate to give too much away here, but you do need some setup to understand the subtext. Jamie (Christian Bale) was a British kid living with his family in Shanghai prior to the outbreak of World War II. Throughout the early part of the film, Jamie expresses his love for combat aircraft, in particular the Mitsubishi A6M Zero, and fighter pilots, whom he idolizes. When the Japanese invade Shanghai, Jamie is split up from his family, forced to survive on the streets until he is near starvation, when he gives up and is captured and sent to a Japanese labor camp. The camp, as it happens, borders on a Japanese Air Force airfield, and on his first day there, Jamie makes a powerful discovery:

So, those are some scenes that have stuck with me from movies I've seen. I hope you get a sense of meaningfulness from them, and if you like them, I encourage you to see the movies they're from, because all are good or fantastic films. I tried to include movies and scenes that weren't already super famous, so hopefully I've expanded your knowledge at least a little bit.

I might do another one of these entries if I feel so inclined -- you let me know if you're interested in seeing another one!

National Anthems Redux

2010-02-17T10:31:00.000-08:00

A while back, when I first started this here blog, I did a piece on national anthems from various countries around the world. Given NBC's horrible coverage of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, wherein they very rarely show medal ceremonies, I thought I'd share some more great national anthems with you guys, so as to bring you a big part of what I think makes the Olympics (and similar events) great. Without further ado, here are some more of the world's best national anthems:

Portugal - "A Portuguesa"

This rousing jaunt was originally written as a marching piece for the Portuguese people in protest to their government's acquiescence to the infamous British ultimatum regarding territories in Africa. The lyrics are your standard patriotic fare: calling back the forefathers' spirit to rise in the youth of the seafaring nation and return them to their former glory. Although it might not be subtle, like the Russian national anthem, it hits all the right notes (forgive the pun) and really does make you want to stand up and salute when you hear it.

Republic of Korea - "Aegukga"

Not to be confused with "Aegukka," the national anthem of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (i.e., North Korea), the lyrics to the South Korean anthem were probably written in the late 19th century and were originally set to the tune of "Auld Lang Syne." After World War II, the tune was changed to that of a fantasia written by Korean composer Ahn Eak-tae, which is its current, very lyrical theme to this day.

Romania - "Deşteaptă-te, române"

Although I may be biased, given that Romania is my ancestral homeland, I happen to absolutely love this rarely-heard piece. Evoking its Eastern-European roots with its minor key tonality, "Awaken, Romanian!" exhorts the (presumably Romanian) listener to do just that; to "throw off the barbarous tyrants who have kept you so low" and finally show to the world that in his veins still runs the blood of the great Roman Empire. Pretty inspiring stuff!

Bulgaria - "Mila Rodino"

Meaning "Dear Motherland," this anthem was actually written by a Bulgarian dude who went off to fight the Serbs during the Serbo-Bulgarian war back in the day. Like the Romanian anthem, it has a minor-key tonality, but much more than that one, this one feels like the Imperial March -- like the Bulgarians are coming and they're going to kick your ass!

Northern Ireland - "Londonderry Air"

Better known to most of the world as "Danny Boy," this melodic piece serves as the national anthem of Northern Ireland for intra-United Kingdom events, or those events (such as the World Cup) in which Northern Ireland represents itself. For everything else, Northern Ireland uses the UK's official anthem "God Save the Queen," but this is such a pretty melody that I couldn't resist including it in this list.

Okay, that's a short list of a few more cool national anthems. Truth is, I'm not all that familiar with anthems outside of Europe and the Americas, so if somebody's got a good African or Asian national anthem he'd like to share, by all means let me know about it!

My Pantheon: Bruce Hornsby

2010-02-06T15:30:00.000-08:00

Because of his massive hit single "The Way it is," Bruce Hornsby is often connected to the keyboard driven rock of the 1980's, but the truth goes so much deeper than that. A genuine piano virtuoso, Hornsby is also an extremely talented (and vastly underrated) songwriter. Hornsby writes in a variety of genres, from rock to New Orleans jazz (although he's from Virginia), to classical, and I'm going to try to give you a taste here, of why I hold him in such high regard. I know some people will likely balk instinctively at his inclusion in such a rarefied company as my pantheon, but by the time this little article is over, I hope most of you will change your opinions.

"Every Little Kiss" from The Way it is

Started off by one of Hornsby's characteristic improvisational intros, this simple song about missing someone you love always makes me smile. Hornsby's band The Range and he really crushed the rock charts with this album, their very first. It's gone many times platinum and received very positive reviews. The 80's were known for rock's adherence to synthesizers and other keyboard instruments, but Hornsby's piano playing was truly virtuosic and his incorporation of keyed instruments in his music was genuine and way beyond the silly pop or overproduced sensibilities of many of his contemporaries. While he's more poppy than Randy Newman, and less introspective than Jackson Browne, Hornsby manages to skillfully skirt the line between rock and pop, and always manages to infuse his best songs with as much soul as pianistic dexterity. This track is no exception.

"The Show Goes on" from Scenes from the Southside

This is my favorite of Bruce Hornsby's "long" ballads -- Hornsby tends to write songs that fall into one of three categories: "long" (those that haven't been chopped down by studios into radio-friendly chunks), "short" (those that have, or smaller ditties) and classical. Seemingly an allegory for dealing with bad news and the aftermath of tragedy, "The Show Goes On" is a kind of indirect prayer for strength: the world will continue to spin, with or without us or that which we have lost. Musically, this number contains one of my favorite Hornsby piano "riffs," which you can hear most clearly right after the slow-burning intro. This is also one of the interesting songs that features a synthesizer, an organ, AND a piano. Three keyboards for triple the pleasure!

"The End of the Innocence" from The End of the Innocence

Okay, so this isn't a Hornsby performance (although he did frequently perform this song live, and it appears in an album version on his boxed set Intersections), but Hornsby did co-write this song with the great Don Henley, and plays piano on this track (you can hear his style very prominently throughout). Of all the songs Hornsby (and probably Henley, too) wrote with a co-author, this one is the most beautiful and powerful. Combining Hornsby's knack for catchy, yet evocative piano rolls and Henley's incredible lyrical talent, and you've got a combination that's guaranteed to pull a few tears from even the driest glands. "Just lay your head back on the ground,/Let your hair spill all around me./Offer up your best defense,/but this is the end of the innocence." Awesome.

"Barren Ground" from A Night on the Town

The theme of environmental desolation was a major one in the 80's and 90's, and has always been important to Hornsby (and to his brother John, with whom he co-wrote many of his early songs, including this one). Like the very pretty "Look Out any Window" from Scenes from the Southside, this song combines an environmentally conscious message -- specifically an indictment of corporate "fat cats," whom both songs depict as destroying the natural world in order to enrich themselves -- with a pleasingly smooth melody. "Barren Ground" has some vivid imagery in the lyrics, including a detailed description of an oil tanker spill into the ocean (probably the song is specifically referencing the Exxon Valdez disaster), and leaves the listener halfway between a pleasant, relaxed empathy and a disturbed sense of activism.

"The Tide Will Rise" from Harbor Lights

Another common theme in Hornsby's songs (and this is another co-written by his brother John, too) is the "pensive working man." Usually, the subject of these songs -- like this one -- is a blue-collar laborer or similar person working who is considering his place in the universe, his distance from his family or those he loves, and his duties and responsibilities as a man. "The Tide Will Rise" is also interesting in that it makes extremely heavy use of synthesizer and organ sounds, particularly in the various solo sections. Interestingly, Harbor Lights was Hornsby's first album to be credited solely to him and not Bruce Hornsby & the Range -- which didn't mean that members of his original backing band weren't on the album; just that their royalties contracts ran out.

"White-Wheeled Limousine" from Hot House

Hot House was a conscious attempt by Hornsby to recreate something of the feel of a Dixieland or New Orleans jazz party and merge that with his pop sensibilities. It had mixed success, but storytelling songs like "White-Wheeled Limousine," with its minor-key tonality and driving rhythm are the high points. Interestingly, since abandoning his normal backing band The Range, Hornsby worked with a wide variety of musicians -- both in songwriting and performance -- and this album really pulled out all the stops. On "White-Wheeled Limousine" alone, Hornsby brought in the likes of Bela Fleck on mandolin and the inimitable Pat Metheny on guitar. Both instrumentalists help create the jazzy feel that Hornsby is trying to achieve, and the quality songwriting and interesting musical changes make this one of my favorite Hornsby tracks.

"Song C" from Spirit Trail

In the late 1990's through the early 2000's Hornsby began, in addition to his pop song writing, to write instrumental tracks that are best described as modern classical music. Typically, he simply named these songs after letters, and, to date, there are "songs" A through H. This one, "Song C" is the best of them and is a piece I find absolutely beautiful and poignant every time I hear it (this is also one of my favorite songs to play on piano). Included on Hornsby's first double album Spirit Trail, "Song C" evokes a sense of spirit and manages to feel both totally American and yet totally classical at the same time. For those of you who may be a little dismayed by the juxtaposition of this lyrical, peaceful song with the odd album cover to the left, know that the cover is a real picture of Hornsby's uncle performing a party trick that he was known for -- even the weird stuff is linked to family, home, and America somehow.

"Swan Song" from Spirit Trail

This is perhaps my favorite of Hornsby's "short" songs, mostly because I absolutely adore the piano part, and I think the lyrics are exceedingly moving. While ostensibly about the end of a relationship, "Swan Song" is really about dealing with endings in general: professional, personal, anything. I also think Hornsby never sang better -- on this track he really puts his heart into the vocal part. Interstingly, the last track on Spirit Trail is a series of instrumental variations based on this song's piano riff and on "Song D" another classical piece that appears earlier on the album. It's a nifty, pianistic touch to include, but to be honest, this song sounds best in its original form, faithfully presented here.

"Hooray for Tom" from Halcyon Days

Of all Hornsby's moving and beautiful songs, none do I identify more with than this simple little ditty. There's really not a lot to analyze about "Hooray for Tom," the lyrics are pretty self-explanatory and clear, the music is basic without being simplistic, and the whole product is just plain excellent. A little, oft-overlooked gem of a piece, this one.

"Fortunate Son/Comfortably Numb" from Intersections

The original "Fortunate Son" was a hit off of Hornsby's Spirit Trail album, but this live performance and "mashup" is my absolute favorite version. Most of you will instantly recognize the middle section of this piece -- into which Hornsby seamlessly and impressively transitions -- as the famous Pink Floyd track "Comfortably Numb." One of those quirky, fun little things you can do when you're playing a song live and you have a metric ton of talent. To me, while "Comfortably Numb" is a fantastic song, what always stands out about this track is the chorus form "Fortunate Son," which I find very moving: "I've stared down the devil,/had to look away./Called out to the angels,/no one ever came."

"Song H" from Intersections

The last of Hornsby's "classical" tracks, this one expands beyond solo piano and incorporates a variety of other instruments to bridge the gap between straight classical music and a modern film score. Rather than leave you with one of Hornsby's more popular tracks, or some interesting cover as I usually do, I thought I'd close this blog entry with this lovely, lilting piece and let you drift off into the ether of the internet happier and calmer than you were when you came. I feel like that's what Bruce would want me to do...

Recognize These Album Covers?

2009-12-10T16:05:00.001-08:00

Here are some famous album covers, done in Lego style. I got a kick out of these. See how many you recognize: leave a comment with your answers, if you're a true playa. I'll be very impressed with anyone who can get more than 75% of these!

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No cheating now!

Followup - Medal of Honor: Modern Warfare

2009-12-02T11:22:00.000-08:00

Seems the folks at EA are going to try to take up the torch that Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 has so ignominiously let slip from its grasp. Medal of Honor (subtitle as yet unknown), will be set in modern-day Afghanistan, and will feature a bearded, sunglassed hero, who may or may not be the long lost bass player from ZZ-Top. According to EA, this guy will be known as the "Tier 1 Operator" (presumably they mean a 1st SFOD-D Operator), and will be "a relatively unknown entity directly under the National Command Authority who takes on missions no one else can handle." Yeah... sounds like pretty much the set up for every Splinter Cell game ever, but hey, maybe it won't hate America, so that'd be nice.

Given Medal of Honor's history of PG-13 (at best) maturity level, one wonders if this new release can be an honest contender for a mature approach to a modern warfare FPS, but given how low Call of Duty has sunk, I can't take this announcement as anything less than welcome news. On the plus side, EA has emphasized how much effort and talent they've put into the single-player campaign, so that's very encouraging. Multiplayer is allegedly designed by veterans from DICE, the guys behind the Battlefield games. I wait with baited breath, as the poet said.

Modern Warfare 2 Hates America

2009-11-16T13:54:00.000-08:00

I finished Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 a couple days ago, and, perhaps more than any game I've played in a long time, it's forced me to come to terms with an extremely difficult and personal issue. Not about the nature of conflict, or the way that war destroys trust among men, or even where my country and our allies are going to be ten, twenty years from now. No, MW2 has made me face the hard fact that gaming criticism and game journalism, are, for the most part, really fucking retarded.

How could so many reviewers, in so many ostensibly august publications, get it so wrong? MW2 is, by any objective assessment, not one of the best games of the year. It's not even good. It's just a mediocre, highly derivative shooter with a lot of hype and a big axe to grind with the U.S. military.

Since I know I'm going to get accused of hateration right off the bat, let me address the salient points above before I discuss the game on its own merits. First, MW2 features what is perhaps the most unoriginal and poorly scripted campaign I've played in a shooter since Custer's Revenge 2: Comanche Boogaloo. Sure, all shooters are more or less the same, gameplay-wise, but I'm talking about gameswriting here. From dialogue to setpieces to character design (I won't include "plot" in that list, since the story lacks even the basic continuity required to establish a genuine plot), MW2 unashamedly apes Hollywood's big-budget high points, simply picking a new one each level and hoping we won't notice.

Dialogue? Straight from HBO's Generation Kill. How about that funky snowmobile sequence? How about every James Bond movie ever? The preposterous Russian invasion of the

U.S.

(on the East Coast, no less!)? Well, at least Infinity Ward called out their own lack of originality by calling that mission "Wolverines!" And that climactic, "green smoke" sequence? Remember that Nick Cage, Sean Connery dumbassery-fest The Rock? Yeah, exact same thing at the end of that one, right down to the color of the smoke. Come on people, at least give us different colored smoke. Pretend you don't think we're complete morons.

And why is it that they had such trouble with the story for a game about Modern Warfare? My guess is that Infinity Ward (and their overlords at Activision) are too scared to deal with the realities of asymetrical warfare and terrorism. Oh sure, the much ballyhooed "airport" set piece involves you gunning down civilians as a group of Russian gangsters. How you manage to get light machine guns into a friggin' airport is not explained, but hey, whatever. The Russians are an easy target for "villain," but for a game that's ostensibly a realistic look at modern warfare, they're silly. Except for a brief sequence in Afghanistan (which owes much to Black Hawk Down), Islamic extremists are nowhere to be found. Instead of small-scale battles against a shadowy enemy, as in the fantastic Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, MW2 puts you in an honest to goodness hot war against the Russian army. But this is the antithesis of what real modern warfare is about! And moving away from the real idea of modern warfare (the game's title for Crissakes!) forces the gameswriters to craft a boneheaded story with nonsensical character motivations and enough continuity holes to build a negative mountain.

But their cowardice -- and I do think the Red Dawn angle springs from the designers' fear of offending Muslims or Chinese and nothing else -- in scripting the game's story pales in comparison to Infinity Ward's obvious disdain for the U.S., or at least the U.S. military. Now, it's not my intention to turn this into a political piece or make some kind of patriotic point, but I do want to call out the game's insistence on what a generous critic might call "moral equivalency." This is a game that wants to be taken seriously, that wants people to think of it as a step up in the maturity level of games-as-art. But its fear at taking on a hard issue and its cheap shots at an easy target are nothing more than juvenile.

At their best, American soldiers in MW2 are depicted as brave fools, pluckily soldiering on in the face of long odds for a cause in which they are unwitting pawns. At their worst, the soldiers will not only stand idly by as their general personally guns down wounded British S.A.S. operatives, but will then casually burn their bodies and walk away. Americans will, presumably out of some cowboy, "ain't no poncy Englishman gunna tell me wut to do!" mentality, shell a prison in which friendly forces are attempting to extract a key asset, impeding their extraction and nearly killing them. Americans are, in fact, so dumb they'll give a "blank check" to the general (an American himself, by the way), who I might say was the evilest, most self-serving bastard in the history of warfare, if I could figure out what the hell was motivating him in the first place. In fact, not only will you spend the last missions of the game killing Americans with extreme prejudice, but MW2's heroes will ultimately make a deal with a hideously evil Russian terrorist, just to beat the Americans. In the words of Ghost, one of the game's secondary characters: "Bloody Yanks! I thought they were supposed to be the good guys!" Indeed.

But, okay, none of that necessarily makes MW2 a bad game. A bad taste in your mouth, maybe. Difficult to follow, sure. But not bad on FPS terms. And that's true. MW2 is not a particularly bad FPS. Believe me when I say that I loved its predecessor and I really, really wanted to like this one, too. Want aside, though, it's such a mediocre game. The single-player campaign is extremely short: I completed it in less than 6 hours on the hardest difficulty. The multiplayer's woes have been done to death, so I won't spend much time on the persistent lag, lack of dedicated servers on the PC version, unoriginal maps, and inability to lean around corners. Suffice it to say the multiplayer, while fair, is inferior in every way to Modern Warfare 1. The new "Spec Ops" mode, billed as a supplement to the campaign mode, merely recycles or revamps certain campaign set pieces and gives you timed challenges. While it's true that Spec Ops is the strongest mode in the game (mostly because it allows for co-operative play), it doesn't serve sufficiently to buttress the weak versus play and piss-poor campaign.

But more than this, MW2 fails not only because it doesn't give you modern warfare, it fails because it doesn't give you Call of Duty. Previous titles, including Modern Warfare 1, always made you feel as though you were part of a larger conflict, fighting with your fellows against an equally numerous foe. Kill enough of the enemy and you and your boys would charge forward and hold the line. Here, however, poor level design often leaves you surrounded by endless, perfectly accurate bad guys, totally by yourself. The Brazilian favela level, early in the game (which owes much to Brazilian film Tropa de Elite), is a particularly egregious instance of this: there's no sense of what's going on, where you are, or how the hell you're supposed to friggin' survive bottomless hordes of heavily armed favela dwellers that always have the high ground. MW2 really needed that sense of "once more into the breach" that previous games -- especially the very solid Call of Duty: World at War -- provided. In abandoning that, MW2 ceased being an honest to goodness Call of Duty title, and, for all its production budget, became just another generic shooter.

And there's plenty of ammunition beyond the big ticket items: the tinny, pre-fab sound design, the ham-fisted sense of seriousness ("History is written by... the victors!), the lack of differentiation among weapons, and more... but I'll pass over that stuff, because it's belaboring the point.

Just to be clear, this isn't only about MW2, which isn't the first mediocre game with a big marketing budget to get inflated reviews. The problem goes much deeper than that. The real issue is: does a game as big, as hyped, and with as much PR behind it as MW2 get a 10 just because it is what it is? If so, that's got to change if we ever want to be taken seriously as an entertainment industry, much less as an art form. It's not like the reviews praised only the game's mechanics and engine. They lauded the story, the "mature" approach to storytelling, the characters, and the dialogue. Praising so strenuously those qualities in a game that so obviously does not have them is like insisting the emperor is fully clothed, when he's stark naked: it reflects poorly not only on the game, not only on the critics, but also on those members of gaming public who are willing to swallow them.

Then again, maybe I'm way off base and those journalists who disagree with me can show me why this title deserved so many perfect and near perfect scores. But I won't hold my breath.

Grade: C-

Some Songs to Break Your Heart

2009-11-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

I know I'm usually mister funny man on this blog, so why do I want to break your heart? Sometimes it's good to put a few cracks in ol' corazon -- there's no light without darkness; music exists to cover the whole range of human emotions and experience. So, maybe you're in a happy time in your life, or maybe you could use a little pick me up. Well, forget about it! These songs here are a little conditioning workout for your heart. See if you can take it.

Bob Dylan - "Not Dark Yet"

Off Dylan's incredible 1997 resurgence Time Out of Mind, "Not Dark Yet" is written entirely in a series of couplets that are thematically strung together by their bleakness. Only Dylan could pen a series of lyrics that skirt the border of nihilism without ever crossing over into that meaningless territory. What does the speaker mean when he sings the chorus? That there's still hope, although we're close to destruction? Or that while there may be some "light" left in his life, the inevitable descent into darkness draws ever closer because of his emotional pain? Like any good poetry, you have to put your own interpretation into it, you have to meet it halfway, if you want to get the most out of it.

"I've been down at the bottom of a whirlpool of lies.
I ain't lookin' for nothin' in anyone's eyes."

Dire Straits - "Romeo and Juliet"

Here's an honest song. It's not trying to be sweet, not trying to "get to you," it's just expressing the myriad emotions that happen when you love somebody that no longer loves you back. Sadness, loss, spite, self pity, and others are all wrapped up in a neat, Shakespeare-referencing box, and accompanied by a simple arpeggiated acoustic guitar riff. Although Dire Straits are more known for their new-wave rock numbers (especially the massive "Money for Nothing"), "Romeo and Juliet" is more indicative of lead singer/guitarist Mark Knopfler's typical, slow-burn songwriting style. If you'd like to hear more of this kind of stuff, check out his original score to the wonderful film The Princess Bride.

"Then I dreamed your dream for you,
and now your dream is real.
How can you look at me as if I were
just another one of your deals?"

The Cars - "Drive"

One of my all-time favorite songs, "Drive" is a hard look at the kind of person who lives in a world centered entirely on him or herself. Adrift in a sea of self-importance and foolish optimism, these people never stop to consider the practicalities of life, even something as simple as a ride home at the end of the night. Of course, the singer is another type of person -- someone who loves the song's subject and is there for her, but is also trying desperately to get through to her. Of course, the whole "drive you home tonight" image is a metaphor for a much larger relationship, and the song is very touching in that you're given a sense that the singer will never, no matter how beautifully put his message is, get through to the subject of the song. That leaves him with two choices: give up on what could be a beautiful love and just walk away, or keep pining and trying indefinitely. For those of us who've been in that kind of a situation, there's no good choice. Here's hoping that writing this gem of a song solved the issue for Ric Ocasek.

"You can't go on,
thinking nothing's wrong."

Jackson Browne - "For a Dancer"

This is the finest song on the subject of death and its aftermath (both for the deceased and the ones who survive her) that I've ever heard. I'm presenting it to you here in a minimalist, live recording with just Browne at his piano. The original version contains some background vocal fills at certain key points (these were sung by the Eagles), but this version is starker, in my mind, and therefore more powerful. The lyrics to this song are incredible, the music is a homey series of chord progressions that any roots music fan will feel resonate within him right away. And if this one doesn't move you somehow, you need to get your emotion chip replaced.

"Just do the steps that you've been shown,
by everyone you've ever known,
until the dance becomes your very own.
No matter how close to yours another's steps have grown,
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone."

Jimmy Webb - "P.F. Sloan"

Not to hit you with too much hyperbole, but once again, this is the single best song about songwriting (and the sacrifices involved in being a creative artist) I've ever heard. You probably have never heard of Jimmy Webb, but he has written some of the greatest songs other artists ever recorded. This piece is a direct paean to fellow songwriter P.F. Sloan, who wrote incredibly influential songs like "Eve of Destruction" in the 60's and early 70's, but was and remains little known. This is a songwriter's burnt offering to songwriters and songwriting in general, and it could've turned bad a million ways -- but with subtle imagery and a beautiful melody it managed to keep to the straight and narrow. Love this one.

"The London Bridge was finally found --
they'd moved it to another town.
And now all the people gather 'round
to watch the bridge fall down, but
I don't think it will no more..."

Lyle Lovett - "Which Way Does That Old Pony Run?"

Here's a number about a guy who's old school in a new school world. Somebody who just doesn't quite square with the lifestyle he's taken up, and maybe who's fallen out of love with the woman who settled him into it in the first place. Change -- real change -- is one of the hardest things for most people to deal with in their lives; it's one of the main reasons we fear death so much: not because of the finality of death itself, but because of the permanency of the changes it inevitably brings about in our lives. The singer here has dealt with a change, and now he's trying to change back. Back to the lifestyle that he used to know and love, and that he's longing for with such desperation. Maybe he wants the familiarity again, maybe he never really changed in the first place.

"So this good life you know, I must leave.
Your new car, and your color TV.
But what's riches to you, just ain't riches to me."

Marc Anthony - "Escandalo (Bolero)"
(Traditional)

Salsa is one of my favorite genres of music, and when it's done right it can move you in ways that no other genre can. Here, Marc Anthony covers an old salsa standard that was made famous by, among others, the great Hector Lavoe. Anthony's version is fantastic, including an impressive vocal performance, and a top-notch backing band. But what makes this so beautiful is the lyrics (sorry, you'll have to learn Spanish!) and the way they so wonderfully dovetail with the music and instrumentation, particularly the interplay of the brass section.

"No hagas caso de la gente,
sigue la corriente y quiéreme mas.
Que si esto es escandaloso,
es mas vergonzoso no saber amar."

Norah Jones - "American Anthem"
(Gene Scheer)

Not every moving song is about love between two people. This is an unexpectedly powerful number that was featured as the theme to Ken Burn's rather lukewarm documentary The War. I've never been a big Norah Jones fan (I think she hides a pretty weak voice behind a lot of vocal rasp), but she does a nice job keeping this one understated and on point throughout. I think the message of this song -- a song with a subject matter that's really hard to keep from maudlin territory -- is extremely powerful in its simplicity. There's not much need for me to lay this one out -- anyone who loves his country (even if that country isn't America), should feel me on this one.

"For those who think they have nothing to share,
Who feel in their hearts there is no hero there,
Know each quiet act of dignity is that which fortifies
The soul of a nation that will never die."

Old School Freight Train - "Louisiana 1927"
(Randy Newman)

If you follow my blog, you know I've uploaded Randy Newman's original version of this song for you guys in the past. Here's another take on this devastating song about a hurricane and its aftermath by roots rock vets Old School Freight Train. This song has nothing fancy about it: the lyrics don't do anything clever or intricate, they just tell you about what went on and what the people did. That's all they need to do with a melody like this song has and when the story it's telling you is as utterly heartbreaking as it is.

"President Coolidge come down in a railroad train,
With a little, fat man with a notepad in his hand.
President said: 'Little fat man, ain't it a shame
What the river has done to this poor cracker's land?"

Sam Cooke - "A Change is Gonna Come"

Talk about a vocal. This guy had one of the greatest voices I've ever heard to this day, and he was never better than he was at this original number about the struggles of everyday people during the civil rights movement and in America generally. Inspired by the untimely death of his young son, and by the racism he and his band encountered regularly touring the country, Cooke wrote this song (one of the last he'd write before his own untimely death) on his tour bus after hearing and being extremely moved by Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind." In the power and beauty of this song you can feel Cooke's gospel roots -- it has an almost religious effect on a serious listener.

"I was born by a river, in a little tent,
Oh, and just like the river, I've been running ever since."

Tab Benoit - "When a Cajun Man Gets the Blues"

Although Tab Benoit is known a bit more for his hard-core blues guitar sound, this small, acoustic blues number is about the connection people have to their homes and their land. Autocthony, if you will. As Dorothy said: there's no place like home. If you've ever been far from where you're from, just longing to see the familiar sights and hear the familiar sounds, this song should resonate all the way through to your soul. If you're from New Orleans, I suggest you get a box of Kleenex ready before you press play.

"When I'm feelin' the pain,
the bayou is callin' my name,
and that's an offer that I can't refuse.
Oh, it's hard to miss you, Louisiana,
When a Cajun man gets the blues."

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - "It'll All Work Out"

Wouldn't you know it? I saved a song by a group called The Heartbreakers for the end of my broken-heart songs blog entry. What a card I am. Anyway, along with "Don't Come Around Here No More," this is my favorite Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers song. I don't feel like laying down my usual exegesis here, so just listen and learn how to write a fantastic song about loss and a realistic way that people deal with tragedy.

"There were times apart, there were times together.
I was pledged to her, for worse or better.
When it mattered most, I let her down.
That's the way it goes, it'll all work out."

Podcast Movie Roundup!

2009-10-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

Once again, I've been a guest on the internet's best podcast, We'll Fix it in Post, with your host Howard Han. Regular partner Nevin Densham wasn't in this week, so comedian Russ Gooberman, musician Brandon Smith, and no-discernable-talents-haver Eric Neigher joined Howard for some good ol' movie madness followed by some rather serious scientific and philosophical debate. Give it a listen, you won't be disappointed.

You can also download it to your local machine here.

Or you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes here.

My Pantheon: Bruce Springsteen

2009-10-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

If you don't know who Bruce Springsteen is, fuggedaboudit. I'm not going to waste time rehashing the info that you can find out at eighty gajillion other sites. Instead, I'm going to show you why this guy is one of the rare mega-stars in history that is also a true artistic genius. Prepare to get bossed around! Get it? "Bossed"? "The Boss"? Aw, hell with ya.

Anyway, Springsteen typically releases his albums in a kind of allegro-adagio alternating pattern, one focusing on a more upbeat (or at least high-tempo) feel and the next a more minimalist and contemplative. To be sure, most of his albums feature a combination of fast and slow songs, just that the general album focus usually alternates. So, we're gonna replicate that same binary opposition, except we're gonna start with a slow number first.

"Lost in the Flood" from Greetings from Asbury Park, N.J.

Although The Boss's first album was not particularly well received by the public (selling something pathetic like 25,000 copies), it was praised by the critics and later came to be seen as one of the strongest debut albums in the history of rock and roll. Led off by the blisteringly paced lyrical dynamo "Blinded by the Light," my favorite cut has always been this stark, piano-driven ballad of street life. It combines many of the tropes Springsteen would go on to use to great effect in later songs: war veterans, street and racing gangs, youth, Christian imagery and symbology, racial and class tensions, and Americana. It also showcases the talents of a very early version of the E Street Band, who would later be fleshed out and developed into a seriously badass rockin' ensemble -- for now, though, their talents were used to best effect on slower tracks like this one.

"Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)" from The Wild, the Innocent & the E Street Shuffle

I was highly tempted to include "Incident on 57th Street" here instead of "Rosalita," but I've gotta keep to the adagio-allegro switch, so I went with this balls-out killer instead. Not to say that this song isn't one of Springsteen's best -- the E Street Band closed with "Rosalita" for more than ten years of touring. This track features an early example of a theme that Springsteen would address in many of his hit songs: grabbing a girl and running away from a shitty situation together. "Thunder Road," "I'm on Fire," and his breakout "Born to Run" are all major successes that follow a similar theme. This cut always impressed me because of its constant, headlong, crashing pace. It just barrels forward, seeming like it must, somehow, some way, hit its terminal velocity and stop -- but it never does until the last note. If you wanna get jacked up for a sporting event or for a night out with buddies, you won't do better than this.

"Thunder Road" from Born to Run

So, I'm gonna get a little sneaky here to maintain our fast-slow motif. While this song was the leadoff track to Springsteen's fantastic, breakthrough album Born to Run, I'm not going to play you his version which, while still quite plaintive in its lyrics, is pretty upbeat and jaunty. Instead, I'm including a live performance by country-rock legend John Prine, that I think captures more accurately the tone of the song than even Springsteen's original performance. Why do I say that? Well, Prine's vocal here is quite similar to Springsteen's (hell, they even have similar sounding voices), but the tempo and general "feel" of the song are slower and more contemplative in Prine's cover. The audience helps a bit, because hearing them conveys a sense of waving cigarette lighters, but mostly I like Prine's version because, well, it's sad.

"Badlands" from Darkness on the Edge of Town

To me, this is the quintessential Bruce and the E-Street Band song. It may not be my favorite, it may not be the best, but it's the most representative of the elements that make up a successful Boss number. "Badlands" is a desperate, wildly paced, piano-and-sax driven motorcade of a song, that focuses on a classic Springsteen theme: a down-on-his-luck street guy with big ambitions and just enough smarts to understand what it's all about. Although it was sort of a disaster as a single (rarely receiving radio play on mainstream stations), it remains a staple of Springsteen's live shows, complete with pyrotechnics and lighting acrobatics synced to the music. Anyway, this song always gets me going and I hope it brings a smile to your face in the same way.

"The River" from The River

The title track from Springsteen's massively successful 1980 album is typical of the artist's slow-burning approach to heartland rock. Despite the album's success, this track was not a big hit in the U.S., and has sort of grown slowly in popularity the way its lyrics grow slowly in gravitas as the music progresses. The titular river of the song is more a concept than a real body of water -- it's a place the singer can go when his dreams have been battered by the slings and arrows of the real world. Whenever things go wrong, the singer "goes down to the river" to try and draw the waters of inspiration, even when he "knows the river is dry." It's a sad song, sure, but it's also delivering a message about the unbreakable hope that inures in every human spirit. The river may be only an illusion, but when you've got nothing else, sometimes an illusion is enough.

"Atlantic City" from Nebraska

"Everything dies, baby, that's a fact./But maybe everything that dies,/someday he comes back." With it's message of hope for even the most down and out, desperate, and dejected people, "Atlantic City" is one of those odd Springsteen laments that's simultaneously an upbeat rocker. That said, I don't like his version as much as this fantastic cover by that ultimate cover band, The Band. Adding a folksy, accordion-driven bounce to the more straightforward Springsteen version, The Band helps get across the song's image of Atlantic City as a beacon of hope for last-chance desperadoes, rather than the seedy, underworld town it's often portrayed as being (and probably really is, more or less). I also just dig Levon Helm's Southern drawl when he sings this.

"I'm Goin' Down" from Born in the U.S.A.

One of the lesser-known tracks from Springsteen's massive smash Born in the U.S.A., "I'm Goin' Down" was the sixth single released from the album (yes, sixth!!), and is my favorite song from the whole record -- which is saying something, because this is one of my favorite records of all time. Basically, this is one is about a guy who just can't get right with his female companion, no matter what he does. The thrill is gone, the spark has died, Elvis has left the building -- whatever. But the song itself is so catchy that you can't help but feel happy for this guy. Sure, his relationship isn't working out, but hell, this chick probably wasn't worth it, anyway. So here's a song we can all dance to, instead of all crying over bygones.

"Brilliant Disguise" from Tunnel of Love

It's no secret that I really dig country music. It's also no secret that I really dig Elvis Costello. And Elvis Costello has done some great versions of famous country songs. So why not include a his country-fied version of this classic Springsteen cut from Tunnel of Love. This particular track was included on a big ol' album of Springsteen covers called Light of Day, that had a fantastic lineup of impassioned performers covering classic Boss tracks... with a very lukewarm result. Only this boom-chika-boom version of "Brilliant Disguise" (and a couple other cuts) really stood out as interesting and worth more than one listen. I hope you'll agree, as I've included it here in lieu of Springsteen's original, which is also really great... just a bit overplayed in this blogger's opinion.

"Secret Garden" from Greatest Hits

This song is lugubrious, overly sentimental, working way too hard, and, ultimately, a little silly. But, for whatever reason, I love it. Sometimes, a song -- like any work of art -- can be very direct and very obvious, and yet still very touching. Not every aspect of the human experience needs to be a subtle drop of dew on the petal of a rose, people! Anyway, "Secret Garden" was featured in a film called Jerry Maguire, and was never released on any album, other than this first collection of Springsteen's best.

"Santa Ana" from Tracks

This is my second favorite Springsteen song. It was never officially released, only appearing as an "outtake" from The Wild, The Innocent & the E Street Shuffle on his 1998 boxed set Tracks. Rather than give you my usual exegesis here, I'll just let the song (which is sung with atypical clarity, for once) lay itself out. I will say that I absolutely love the lyrics in this number, not only are they fun to sing (and hear), not only do they tell a fantastic story, but they also provide tons of catchy phrases to form up as album titles for my future band, The Giants of Science.

"Into the Fire" from The Rising

Springsteen's The Rising was his well-received return to studio recordings (and to the E Street Band) after a prolonged hiatus. The theme of the album -- and it is very much a "theme" record -- is the idea of rising up; both in the sense of rising above the crap that tries to bog us down in our quotidian lives and in the sense of rising up out of the ashes of what destruction had come before. This track, the album's most beautiful, is a direct reference to the event that inspired the entire album: the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center in New York. It's sung from the perspective, one assumes, of someone related to or friendly with one of the emergency responders who died going "upstairs, into the fire" -- that is, into one of the burning towers. The song's literally plaintive chorus "May your strength give us strength..." might seem maudlin in some contexts, but here, knowing what we know, it ends up being very powerful and reminds us that the sacrifice those men made on September 11th continues to provide us with gifts even to this day.

"Land of Hope & Dreams" from The Essential

This is a long, live, epic number that showcases a bit of Springsteen's greatest strength as an artist: his live shows. This guy brings his 'A' game to absolutely every venue he plays, and audiences love him for it. You get a sense of how his bigger, broader songs, like The Land of Hope and Dreams, are almost interactive pieces when played at live events. Springsteen involves the audience not only in the listening experience, but in the very fiber of his music. You can almost hear people connecting to him on this recording. Anyway, this track, with its theme of unity and togetherness ("this train carries losers and winners") and focus on the power of, well, hope and dreams, is a perfect vehicle for Springsteen's persona to shine through in a live recording -- a version of which from his Essential collection I've included here.

"Jesus Was an Only Son" from Devils & Dust

This is a song with an overtly religious, almost hagiographic theme, that's really just about the relationship between parents and their kids. Parents always want to protect their children from the harm that they know the world is inevitably going to throw their way. It's just a basic instinct. Unfortunately, there's only so much that any parent can do. Even Jesus' parents couldn't, as we're told in this this slow, sad ballad, stop him from fulfilling his own destiny; a destiny that's ultimately and inexorably separate from their own. Anyone who's a parent, regardless of religious bent, will relate to the message in this song and will, I hope, be at least a little moved.

"O Mary Don't You Weep" from We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions

Some time in the mid-2000's Springsteen was exposed, for the first time, to Pete Seeger's folk and American roots music from the 1960's. Prompted by his own interest -- and that of his children -- Springsteen delved into the tradition and put together "The Sessions Band" of American roots musicians to record an album of his versions of these classic pieces. Most of these songs date from the nineteenth and very early twentieth century, including this song, which is a Negro spiritual from the antebellum South. The Mary of the song isn't Jesus' mother, but the sister of Lazarus, the man that Jesus raised from the dead. Like many Negro spirituals it disguises its message of hope for freedom and deliverance in a religious mask, but this song really focuses on a series of examples from the Bible in which downtrodden people were able to overcome terrible oppression due to God's assistance or their own ingenuity. In particular, the chorus of the song reminds you directly of that most famous story of slaves being freed (and the slavers being punished): "Pharaoh's army got drown-ded!" and would have been very relatable for black slaves and black Americans in the years following the Civil War. Today, it's just a powerful song of hope performed in a raucous, ear-to-ear-grinning version by Springsteen and his Sessions Band.

"Jesse James" from Live in Dublin

Aw, what the heck. This music may not be original Springsteen material, but he performs it so damn well, and it's so much fun to listen to, I couldn't resist putting one more on this list. This rendition of the classic (and almost entirely untrue) Western ballad "Jesse James" was performed live during Bruce and the Sessions Band's awesome concert in Dublin, Ireland. I won't belabor the historical issues or any of that, just enjoy this one.

"Terry's Song" from Magic

Written as a tribute to his longtime assistant Terry McGovern, who had died earlier in the same year, this song appeared as a secret track (that is, it was unlabeled on the album artwork) on Springsteen's 2007 masterpiece, Magic. In my opinion, this album is the finest rock-and-roll record of the 2000's, and this quiet, introspective song represents just one part of what Magic does so well: recreating personal relationships in music. Of all the songs -- including the brilliant "Girls in Their Summer Clothes" and "Long Walk Home" -- this one best captures the life-enhancing power of human contact. Although its lyrics sometimes border on the sickly sweet and lean on some tired cliches ("when they built you, they broke the mold") you can still sense the real, heartfelt pain that went into writing this piece from a friend for a friend. It's the ability to harness that kind of raw emotional power that has always endeared Springsteen to fans who feel this stuff, but have a hard time expressing it themselves.

"The Wrestler" from Working on a Dream

Following the brilliant Magic would've been a tough mountain for any artist, but if anyone could do it well, The Boss could. Unfortunately, he didn't. Working on a Dream is a mediocre album with a few decent tracks, but nothing approaching the raw power and polished excellence of Magic. What it does have, though, is a bonus track featuring Springsteen's song for the film The Wrestler, starring Mickey Rourke. Good movie, and this song is better for its ability to encapsulate the struggles of the titular wrestler in a three-minute ballad. Mostly, this is due to Springsteen's great talent at writing expressive lyrics, but it also comes through in the simple instrumentation and unadorned musical style the song is recorded in. I know I said I wouldn't feature two slow songs in a row, but heck, with the Pete Seeger stuff above there were two fast songs, so this balances out the alternating tempo paradigm for us.

"Incident on 57th Street" from The Wild, The Innocent & the E Street Shuffle

Ah, screw it. We'll keep it adagio all the way to the end. I figured I'd leave you with this one, which is the best of Springsteen's earlier epic ballads, and one of my favorite songs of all time. In fact, it's my third-favorite Springsteen song. So there.

Hope you guys enjoyed this pantheon installment! Got more posts coming soon.

Some Great Concert Posters

2009-09-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

So, as you guys know, I'm a fan of representational art in general, and good commercial art in particular, so I figured I'd share some prime examples of a sub-genre that isn't super well known. These are concert posters -- posters that theoretically get plastered all over town to warn the inhabitants of the impending onslaught of overwrought fans on a certain day. They combine the artistic requirements of album covers and movie posters, for some very nifty effects. Hope you like em.

Coheed & Cambria in Anaheim

Simian Mobile Disco in Seattle

The Faint in Portland

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers in Denver

Beck in San Francisco

Morrissey in Austin
(yes, that's Oscar Wilde)

Sweet Vine in Sacramento

Primus in Denver

Bob Dylan in Austin

Jay Farrar in Denver

The Mars Volta in Seattle

Placebo in Los Angeles

Likee? No likee? Let me know if you'd dig more stuff of this nature.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: Hypocrite?

2009-09-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

There's a story from the Bible -- Daniel Chapter 2, verses 30-35 -- in which a great king has a dream about a beautiful statue with a head made of gold, a chest and arms of silver, abs of brass, legs of iron, and feet made of clay. In the dream, the king is greatly awed by the statue, but out of nowhere, a stone appears and smashes the statue's weak, clay feet into dust, causing the rest of it to collapse and crumble.

This particular story came to my mind recently because I've been thinking a lot about one of the men whose example I've most respected in my life: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. --a deeply religious man who certainly would've known the parable himself. I was thinking of Dr. King not because I myself am religious or because I like statues made from various materials, but because, if you examine his legacy from a logical perspective, you have to come to one ineluctable conclusion: Dr. King may have had a heart of gold, but he had feet of clay. The man was a hypocrite.

Believe me, it's not easy for me to say this. Dr. King was, for a long time, one of my great heroes, along with other staunch advocates of nonviolence like Ghandi and the Dalai Lama. So why do I say that such men didn't practice what they preached? Well, as those of you who read this blog probably know, I'm a big believer in formal logic. A series of syllogisms may help lay out my reasons clearly without raising any more hackles than absolutely need to be raised. I will use Dr. King and his related ideologies as my example, but I don't mean to single him out. He will stand in for all leaders and other advocates of nonviolence who nevertheless support state action.

Logical Analysis

The core syllogism runs as follows:

P: Doctor King advocated nonviolence.
P: Doctor King advocated the passage and enforcement of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
C: Doctor King was a hypocrite.

Obviously, the above syllogism is fallacious in and of itself, so we need to add some corollary syllogisms to lay out several assumptions and between-the-lines premises that the above syllogism doesn't explicitly state. First:

P: State action can only be achieved via the use of force.
P: The Civil Rights Act is state action.
C: The Civil Rights Act necessitates the use of force.

Now that's not a fallacious syllogism. And I'm sure my overall argument is starting to take shape now, right? So, before I move on to the next corollary, I want to quickly address the validity of the premises above. I think, as far as the second premise is concerned, no one will debate that the Civil Rights Act (a piece of United States law, for those from outside of the country) is state action; it is a law put in place by the state and enforced by the state's police power. The first premise, however, may engender some debate. Let me attempt to put paid to that debate here, simply by asking a basic question.

In what ways is it possible for the state to act without employing some form of force? I think the inevitable answer is: there are none. In fact, if we examine it honestly, all government action is based on the police power -- there is no action the government can take that does not ultimately trace its origin to, at the very least, the forcible extraction of resources/wealth from some or all of its citizens. If you can think an exception to this rule, I would like to hear it.

Assuming, for now, however, that there are no objections and that we all reach the same conclusions about government -- that all government action is grounded in force (or at the very least in the threat of force) -- we can move on to the next syllogism.

P: The philosophy of nonviolence can be applied to all humans and human institutions equally.
P: The United States government is a human institution.
C: Nonviolence can be applied to the United States government.

This syllogism deals with the notion that the United States, or governments in general, are somehow exempt from the constraints of nonviolence as preached by Dr. King and others like him. It appears to be logical on its face, but we need to evaluate the first premise a bit more fully.

If nonviolence, as a philosophy, extends only to individuals, then nonviolence would not apply to warfare (as warfare is waged between nations or at least societies of people). We know, however, that Dr. King, and certainly men like Ghandi and the Dalai Lama, opposed war in general. Ghandi, in fact, said the following in his "Letter to Every Briton" during World War II:

"I appeal for cessation of hostilities ... because war is bad in essence. You want to kill Nazism. Your soldiers are doing the same work of destruction as the Germans. The only difference is that perhaps yours are not as thorough as the Germans ... I venture to present you with a nobler and a braver way, worthy of the bravest soldiers. I want you to fight Nazism without arms or ... with non-violent arms. I would like you to lay down the arms you have as being useless for saving you or humanity. You will invite Herr Hitler and Signor Mussolini to take what they want of the countries you call your possessions. Let them take possession of your beautiful island, with your many beautiful buildings. You will give all these but neither your souls, nor your minds. If these gentlemen choose to occupy your homes, you will vacate them. If they do not give you free passage out, you will allow yourself, man, woman and child, to be slaughtered, but you will refuse to owe allegiance to them ... I am telling His Excellency the Viceroy that my services are at the disposal of His Majesty's Government, should they consider them of any practical use in advancing the object of my appeal."

As we know, therefore, that war -- an action of governments -- is not condoned under the moral scheme of nonviolence, we can easily deduce that other actions of governments that would use the police or military power (i.e., force) also cannot be condoned.

Dr. King subscribed to the same general principles as Ghandi did -- in fact, the historical record shows that Dr. King was directly influenced by Ghandi's example. King said in a radio address:

"Since being in India, I am more convinced than ever before that the method of nonviolent resistance is the most potent weapon available to oppressed people in their struggle for justice and human dignity. In a real sense, Mahatma Gandhi embodied in his life certain universal principles that are inherent in the moral structure of the universe, and these principles are as inescapable as the law of gravitation."

So, we know that King believed nonviolence applied equally to government institutions as to individuals and private associations thereof. So it is impossible, then, to reconcile his beliefs in nonviolence with his support for government action that was predicated entirely upon principles of violence! The only conclusion is that Dr. King was a hypocrite. While he may not have made the connection (as most others certainly didn't and still don't) between government action and violence -- making him an unwitting hypocrite, at least -- he was still preaching one thing and then supporting its opposite at the same time.

Corrollaries and Conclusions

Finally, we can extend this argument to the whole host of adherents to nonviolence who advocated government action throughout history. Ghandi replaced the exploitative British Raj, through (mostly) nonviolent means to be sure, but he replaced it with one of the most thoroughly regimented, socialistic, and invasive governments in India's history. This government relied, as all governments must, entirely on the enforcement power of the state to impose rules and laws on the people. And to what did the state recourse in order to enforce the many wealth-redistribution, social equality, and tariff programs it set up immediately after the departure of the Raj? Force.

Likewise, the Dalai Lama was not merely the religious leader of Tibet, but also the leader of the Tibetan government. This government imposed, effectively, a caste society, wherein the religious caste (the monks) were in charge and the rest of the society existed primarily to support them. In order to create such a society and to impose the system of government that organizes it in the "appropriate" way, the Dalai Lama and his associated bureaucracy could only use the mechanisms of the state, which in turn rely on force or the threat of force. It's no surprise, therefore, that one of Tibet's largest prisons, historically, was in the Potala Palace, home and primary place of worship for the Dalai Lama himself.

Beyond specific examples, though, the critical conclusion here is that those who say that state action is a solution to society's problems are really saying that violence is the solution to those problems. Understand, I'm not saying this is good or bad -- I'm not here to evaluate moral questions about whether or not violence is appropriate in various situations -- I'm merely pointing out an ineluctable logical conclusion and the hypocrisy that is attached to it. If you preach any form of nonviolence, you cannot support state action without modifying (and greatly weakening) your position.

There is, by the way, another important conclusion to reach from all of this: pacifism implies anarchism. You cannot be a pacifist and believe in government, because pacifism (at least as it is commonly understood) is a belief that violence is never appropriate, under any circumstances whatsoever. There may well be people who consider themselves pacifist socialists or something of that stripe, but socialism, with its strong belief in the importance and efficiency of government controls, is a philosophy of violence, pure and simple. Again, I'm not judging it upon this ground, but I am saying that it is incompatible with pacifism, a Western version of the philosophy of nonviolence.

More podcastin'

2009-09-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

The crew from the We'll Fix it in Post Podcast were kind enough to have me as a guest for a second time, along with the very knowledgeable and interesting screenwriter Deric Hughes. This time around was a longer, more serious discussion than my first session, and I think you guys'll find it keeps your interest -- if you're into some of the same stuff I'm into.

Anyway, you can download the podcast here.

Or, you can subscribe on iTunes by clicking here.

And on the left is a hot picture of a Zatanna cosplayer. If anyone knows who this is, please give me her contact info asap, as I would like to ask her to marry me.

Great Covers: Vol. 7

2009-08-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

Been away awhile, folks, so I apologize for the delay. As a peace offering, here are some covers that I think will put a smile on your face and will hopefully help you think of me more kindly.

Ben Folds - "Bitches Ain't Shit"
(Dr. Dre)

It's amazing what you can do when you take a simple chord progression and overlay an impassioned vocal melody. Although I've never been a big fan of Ben Folds' music or his singing voice, he really captured the essence of what a parody cover can do here. Not only does this lead to a hilarious incongruity between the music and the song's subject matter, but it's actually a really good song that's both catchy and genuinely pretty. I spent a quick second figuring out the chord progressions to this one, and I will be performing it at the next shi-shi house party that hires me to play piano for them. Sure to please the feminists in the group.

Jonathan Coulton - "Baby Got Back"
(Sir Mix-a-lot)

Okay, so this is one of the most covered and parodied and generally overplayed hip-hop songs ever. I know this. But there's something about Jonathan Coulton's highly polished, polyphonic, multifaceted cover that takes the whole process to the next level. I even like the album cover. It's pleasantly ironic, in some ways, that Coulton uses musical motifs -- particularly the call-and-response background singers -- that were present at the origins of Black music in America, particularly gospel and blues, to flip the script on a song that is many evolutions away from those origin points, but equally representative of Black musical culture.

The Gourds - "Gin and Juice"
(Snoop Doggy Dogg)

Not much to be said about this off-the-wall cover that you can't tell just by listening to it. Some guys thought to themselves: "What's the polar opposite genre of Snoop Dogg's gangsta rap music?" and decided it was bluegrass-inspired alt. country. In fact, the two genres have a lot more in common than cosmetic differences (and differences in putative audience makeups) would suggest. Nevertheless, the sheer unexpectedness of hearing Snoop's lyrics attached to mandolin and accordion music will make even the most staid ethnomusicologist crack a smile here.

Obadiah Parker - "Hey Ya"
(Outkast)

Don't know too much about Obadiah Parker, except that it's actually the name of a band, not one dude's name. I wish I could've got a higher quality recording of this to put up here, but the one I've got should do fine -- it's just that these really managed to take the Outkast song a turn it into a beautiful and moving ballad. This is much more than a parody cover, folks, this is the real deal. The lead singer's vocal just wrecks me here -- absolutely love this cover and, dare I say it, this is better than the original. Enjoy it.

The Futureheads - "Hounds of Love"
(Kate Bush)

So you were probably thinking this was gonna be all hip-hop covers, right? But I decided to change it up on ya for this last one, which I'm adding here in honor of a recent conversation I had with my good buddy and CrossChop music contributor extraordinaire, The Coff. Although much of Kate Bush's music was unknown to me as a kid, I've really gotten to like her stuff (and the stuff of her progeny -- singers like Regina Spektor and Ingrid Michaelson) of late. This cover, by punk rockers The Futureheads, captures the spirit of the Bush original, while adding a much needed kick in the ass. Maybe it just appeals to me more because I'm a guy, I dunno, but I dig this version. Hope you do, too.

That's it for this one. If you have suggestions for other great covers, especially great covers of hip hop songs, please hit me up with a comment! Hell, even if you don't, go ahead and say what you feel.

What the Hell Happened to These Guys?

2009-08-05T16:57:00.001-07:00

Back when I was a kid in the 90's, these songs were randomly super popular. I got to thinking, what the hell happened to these dudes -- and why the hell were these songs ever even slightly popular? Anybody wanna weigh in?

Jimmy Ray - "Are You Jimmy Ray?"

Chumbawumba - "Tubthumping"

Mark Morrison - "Return of the Mack"

(Okay, I'll admit, I used to rock out to this song back in the day...)

Snow - "Informer"

(Still have no clue what the hell one word this guy "raps" is.)

OMC - "How Bizarre"

Timmy T - "One More Try"

(Holy schnikes, LOOK at this friggin' video! LISTEN to this song! Just... wow.)

I guess most of these dudes ended up plastered to the side of milk cartons, but I sometimes think what the world would be like today were they still around. Actually, no, I don't ever wonder that, but these videos crack me up.

Great Covers: Vol. 6

2009-07-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

It's that time again, folks! Some new covers here for your amusement and edification. No particular theme this time, just wanted to throw some cool stuff at you and see how you like it.

Bill Frissell - "Shenandoah"
(Traditional)

Okay, so a version of a traditional or standard isn't really a "cover" per se, but whaddyagonnado, I wanted to share this song with you. Sue me. Anyway, I already put up a cover of this beautiful American folk classic in my last covers post, but this is a completely different take. In case you don't know him, Bill Frissell is a highly respected folk and rock guitarist with a looooooong career in the scene. There's something about "Shenandoah" that just moves me, and somehow strikes me as quintessentially American.

Elvis Costello - "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"
(Nina Simone)

Originally a hit way back in the early '60's for Nina Simone, this song has been covered more times than Jesus' private parts. Nevertheless, with the possible exception of Santa Esmeralda's awesome Latin/Disco cover, this laconic version by Elvis Costello is my favorite. With it's lugubrious tempo and smoldering, building-by-degrees vocal work (not to mention the marimba), Costello's version gets under your skin.

The Gossip - "Careless Whisper"
(George Michael)

One of the most interesting and kick ass takes on a ballad I've ever heard, this cover by indie rockers The Gossip turns George Michael's (and Wham's, for that matter) classic on its head. Although they are possessed of perhaps the most fantastically ugly lead singer in the history of rock and roll (and I say that with full knowledge of the existence of Steven Tyler and Tom Petty), The Gossip prove that you don't have to have looks to make it big in the music industry. What's that? You've never heard of them? Oh well, enjoy your Jonas Brothers, then, and ignore this gem of a cover.

Jennifer Hudson - "One Night Only"
(Jennifer Holliday)

Not really a "cover" per se, again, but simply another performance from the movie version of the Broadway show, American Idol starlet Jennifer Hudson shows some serious pipes on this track. Blew me away when I saw Jennifer Holliday do the show on stage as a kid, and blew me away again in the theaters. This is one killer track, and it's interesting because the movie uses it to demonstrate a specific, shady tactic that the Motown brass used to do with songs like this. Since many of the R&B and soul songwriters were under contract with Motown, any songs they wrote for independent artists were the property of the company. So, they'd repackage a ballad like this one into a popular disco/dance number and resell it. Of course, that's exactly what happens in the film (with Beyonce Knowles doing the disco version), but this power ballad simply can't be repressed. Killer track, this.

Tommy Castro - "Ninety-Nine and One Half (Won't Do)"
(Wilson Pickett)

Nothing like the blues, I tell ya. This R&B ass-kicker from Wilson Pickett is given an update by consummate bluesman Tommy Castro here, and he does well to keep it just an update. Rather than try to reinvent the song, change the pacing or instrumentation, he cleaves closely to Pickett's original, just makes everything a bit tighter and bluesier. I'm a big Tommy Castro fan, although he's not as popular among the blues fans as he could be, I think the guy just brings 100% every time he lays down a track, and you can just hear the effort on the guitar work and especially the vocal on this track. Plus, this is just a fantastic song.

Stevie Ray Vaughan - "Voodoo Chile (Slight Return)
(The Jimi Hendrix Experience)

Not much more to say here than this: the guitar work here is better than Jimi Hendrix. Just listen and tell me it's not.

Okay, another short blast of music for you there, folks. Stay tuned as I've got some deeper stuff coming in the month of August that I'll hope you'll be giving me plenty of feedback on.

Podcastin'

2009-07-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all, check out my guest appearance on popular industry podcast "We'll Fix it in Post," with hosts Howard Han and Nevin Densham -- who also happen to be my longtime amigos. This wild discussion goes from the world's most useless items to DC vs. Marvel comics to the future of the video game industry. It's pretty long, so you can either listen to the podcast on the usual CrossChop widget below, or you can download it here.

For the record I had a cold (my voice isn't usually so hoarse) and was totally high on cough medicine; I'm usually not this irreverent and zany.

Once you've listened, be sure to go check out the blog itself, as Howard is going to have tons of cool ComiCon coverage, as well as his usual spate of interesting gaming and geek news. You can get to the blog by clicking the link up top, or by finding it on my side navigation under "Manus manum lavat." Extra points for anyone who knows what that famous Latin phrase means!

You can also subscribe to "We'll Fix it in Post" on iTunes by clicking here.

Too Soon?

2009-07-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

Look, sometimes I'm on the internet and something just cracks me the hell up. I know it might be considered disrespectful given his recent death, but these dubs of Billy Mays' recent pitches just killed me. I'm sharing them with you here, please don't be angry -- we should all be glad that Billy Mays can still bring laughs into our lives for $19.95 + Shipping and Handling.

Kaboom

Kaboom, baby! Guy needed a popper stopper for this dub.

Big City Slider Station

Even interracial families can enjoy them!

Hercules Hooks

And we'll give you a laser to incinerate your enemies with!

Orange Glo

Yo whatup, lemme holla atcha real quick!

Too soon? Or did you laugh? Be honest.

Country Music and Me

2009-07-11T16:39:00.000-07:00

I'm from a place where country music isn't too popular. This is because where I'm from, the only "country" music people know is that pop crap they play on the radio. But the fact is that real country music is really, really friggin' awesome (and, okay, once in a while the pop stuff is fun for a New York minute), you just gotta know what the real stuff is. Aside from being one of the two types of music that led directly to the creation of rock and roll (the other being the blues), country is one of the few authentic North American forms left. Europeans have their own rock, jazz, even hip hop -- and that's great, there's nothing wrong with that. But country (and blues) have remained American and Canadian, almost exclusively (with some significant exceptions from Australia), and that's something that we here in the good ol' NA should be proud of.

I have never understood why country is generally reviled by so-called "music aficianados" in the critical establishment or even at your local record store. So I'm hoping to change your mind in some small way with this blog entry.

Now, everybody knows the classics like Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard, and yes, those guys are totally amazing. But I thought I'd showcase just a couple of younger guys who are doing country music right now. If you don't like these songs, you can call me an ass and never listen to country again -- but at least I tried.

Hayes Carll - "Knockin' Over Whiskeys"

I love this guy's voice. He's got that perfect country "twang" down just right, and his singing suits his lyrics better than almost any country singer I've heard. Carll is getting some recognition lately, but for a long time he's struggled as a virtual unknown in the music business, even resorting to creating his own record label to get his music released. But his Dylan-esque songwriting and down-home Americana vibe lead me to believe he'll be pretty big pretty soon. This track is a pretty classic country lament/ballad -- the singer is throwing back some booze to get over his troubles. Hey, everyone can relate to that. Pay attention to the way he changes the chorus slightly at the very end of the song.

Chris Knight - "Danville"

Chris Knight's self-titled debut album is, along with his later album Enough Rope among my all-time favorite country records. Knight spent a while writing songs for other artists to record, then struck out on his own with new material in the early 2000's. This track, though, comes from his most recent album Heart of Stone, which I definitely recommend. Knight has a straightahead 1-4-5-1 approach to country songwriting, and I find that a very pleasing complement to his voice and guitar playing. This song is a classic country "type": named after a place, it uses that place to stand in, both figuratively and literally, for all the hardship in the subject's life.

Charlie Robison - "You're not the Best"

Here's a funny, if slightly mean, love song from one poor schmuck to his even worse-off love interest. Charlie Robison has been at the country music songwriting game for a number of years, and has even won a couple major awards. But I like him best when he's doing his boom-chicka-boom rumbling like he is on this track. I also happen to adore the sound of the pedal steel guitar, which is at least partially responsible for my great love of country music -- essentially the only genre (besides bluegrass) that makes significant use of the instrument. And it's certainly prominent in this particular track.

Jackie Greene - "Honey, I Been Thinking About You"

Breaking the stereotype that all country singers come from "red" states, Jackie Greene is one hell of a country-rocker from the great state of California. This track is the highlight of his debut album Sweet Somewhere Bound, and he's never been better than he was on this frenetic, tidal wave of a song. You'll notice immediately that the song has an interesting structure that keeps the music building and building to a crescendo that is itself the building block of the next set of verses. Greene plays guitar and harmonica (simultaneously) which, along with his slightly raspy voice, has drawn comparisons to Bob Dylan. While that's probably unfair to Greene (nobody could ever live up to Dylan's gigantic legacy), he does sometimes display Dylan-esque characteristics in his songwriting. This track is just a fun, simple love song from a guy to the girl he's digging. Enjoy.

Lyle Lovett - "In my own Mind"

Most of you probably know Lyle Lovett more for his brief marriage to Julia Roberts, but the guy is a friggin' great songwriter. Aside from experimenting with different sounds in country music, Lovett's music runs the gamut from humorous little ditties to touching, introspective numbers like this track from his fantastic album My Baby Don't Tolerate. Once again, the pedal steel makes a prominent appearance here alongside a nice country viola, and I defy anyone to name an instrumental pairing that's more evocative of an ethos than those two. As for the content of the song, it's a guy trying to explain the contents of his mind to the outside world -- not the easiest thing to do, but it comes with a beautiful result here.

Son Volt - "Picking Up the Signal"

Rather than make this list entirely about individual singer-songwriters, I wanted to include at least one new country-rock band. Son Volt is the product of several different people leaving their previous bands and coming together to form a new one. Frontman Jay Farrar has a pleasing baritone that reminds me slightly of Bob Seger, and the musicianship in general is top notch. Unfortunately, like all bands put together piecemeal, there's sometimes a disjunction in Son Volt's sound, but on this track (one of their most popular), it all comes together brilliantly. As for the actual band name, I have no idea what "Son Volt" is supposed to mean, but it sure sounds cool!

Todd Snider - "What's Wrong With You?"

Here's a great example of the country sub-genre known as honky tonk. Todd Snider is one of the smartest songwriters working in the scene today, but he's battled problems with substance abuse which have hurt his output. You'd never know about his troubles, however, just from listening to this old-school, kick-up-your-heels rocker about a guy with a girlfriend all up in his business. I defy you to listen to this one and not smile -- after all, one of the best things about country is its human element -- the stories and characters that we can all relate to.

Mike Ness - "The Ballad of a Lonely Man"

While a lot of younger country artists are sticking to a more modern country vibe, some guys, like Social Distortion frontman Mike Ness want to apply a contemporary angle to a really old-school type of song. In this case, that type is "cowboy" music (which is sometimes called "Western" music, as in "Country and Western"). Although Ness made his money and his name in punk rock, he has always acknowledged a debt to the old country songwriters of yore, and when he recorded a pair of solo albums in the late '90's, he showcased his ability to write those kinds of songs with updated instrumentation and musical feel. Although Ness's growling singing voice works a bit better in a punk band than it does in front of a multi-piece country outfit, he manages to get the whole thing moving along here, and crafts a moving tale about a down-on-his-luck old man, just waiting around to kick the bucket.

All right, that's enough for now. If you're interested and leave me a comment, I'll put up some other, even cooler country artists in the next installment. But if you hated it, leave a comment, and I'll be sure to give you the internet equivalent of the evil eye next time you come by.

Some More Casual Games for Your Amusement

2009-07-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, you're probably bored at work right now. Have no fear, however, as Cross Chop is here to provide you with a few new ways to get through the day. Behold! Chapter 2 of the casual games you'll dig series! Long awaited, but never too late. Click on the game names to go directly to the games!

Gemcraft: Chapter 0
It's no secret that the original Gemcraft was one of my all-time favorite web games, and one of the best tower-defense titles out there, web-based or otherwise. This "prequel" adds hugely to the Gemcraft experience, with new, unlockable gameplay types, all new enemies, skills, and bosses, and a completely new storyline. The game works similarly to most tower defense titles: you spend money (earned by killing enemies) to buy gems, towers, and traps, which you use to kill enemies (and earn money to buy that stuff). But this basic concept is layered like a German chocolate cake in Gemcraft: Chapter 0, and gives you hours of entertainment that you can play and return to at any time. This version even fixes most of the minor foibles that the original Gemcraft had, so there's no excuse not to check this one out, my friends.

Rating: A

Raiden X
A tribute to the original Raiden titles of yesteryear, Raiden X is one hell of a Flash-programming achievement, and is a critically addictive web game. Belonging to the "top-down" sub-genre of shooters (often called "shoot-'em-ups" these days since FPS's have recently assumed the nickname "shooter"), Raiden X features you as a solitary fighter taking on wave after wave of annoying enemy bogeys in your quest to... do something. Whatever, story is of little consequence when there are powerups to get, bosses to blow out of the sky, and secret treasures to uncover. The best part is that Raiden X comes with a built in save-game feature, allowing you to stop playing when you need to and come back when you want to. You'll even keep your loadout and powerups. Hideously fun and addictive, this one.

Rating: A

Mouse of the Dead
One of the most unique, interesting Flash games I've ever played, Mouse of the Dead is a mouse-ified gloss on House of the Dead, the popular lightgun series from SEGA. Mouse is controlled with the, er, mouse, and you play a mouse, and it looks like the footage that makes up the background is taken from that mouse movie with Nathan Lane. But this is a game filled with nifty arcade touches, from secret areas that you can only unlock by shooting the right enemy at the right time to special weapons and even zombified frogs. Make no mistake, while this is a game you can just pick up and play, it does get mad intense down the line, so make sure you're wearing your carpal tunnel protector and you've got excellent hand-eye co-ordination. Oh, and a sense of humor couldn't hurt, as this one has plenty of chuckles in store for the keen eyed.

Rating: A-

All right, that's three more to keep you occupied during your work day. If you get way behind on your emails and your boss yells at you, don't say I didn't warn you!

My Pantheon: David Bowie

2009-06-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

When it comes to reinventing your act, nobody has done it better (or more often) than David Bowie. Born David Hayward-Jones in old Blightey, Bowie has been himself, Ziggy Stardust, himself again, a kind of stylish Nazi, a weird minimalist, and a glam rocker. All the while, though, his distinctive vocals, character-based lyrics, and near-perfect musical compass made his records among the most unique and exciting of the latter half of the twentieth century.

"Space Oddity" from Space Oddity

Bowie's first hit was this mostly acoustic 1969 track about an astronaut (Major Tom) who experiences a strange phenomenon during his first spacewalk. Obviously, 1969 was the year that men landed on the moon, so there was a great deal of interest in this sort of thing, but the song was only a top five in the UK (where it was rush-released to hit stores on July 11th to coincide with the Apollo 11 landings). It never reached anywhere near the same popularity in the States. Nevertheless, it's a fascinating ballad-like piece that holds you in transfixed with the Arthur C. Clarke-ish tale of Major Tom and the eerie warble of the Stylophone, which Bowie played himself on this track. This one combines every aspect of the end of the '60's: acoustic instrumentation, experimental musical touches, science fiction, the hint of a reference to psychadelic drugs, and a really good melody.

"Oh! You Pretty Things" from Hunky Dory

Hunky Dory is without a doubt Bowie's greatest album, and very possibly the greatest rock album of 1971. Featuring such utter classics as "Changes" and "Life on Mars?", this is the record that made the name David Bowie mean something, both to the critical establishment and to the popular radio audience. He branched out heavily here in terms of his instrumenatation and orchestrations, but also in terms of the subject matter of his songs. I include this particular track both because it's awesome and because you're less likely to be as familiar with it as you are with "Changes" or "Life on Mars?". The piano, played here by Rick Wakeman, always caught my attention with its simplicity and "saloon" style. Never been 100% sure what this song was actually about, although it does seem to have something to say about the "homo superior" and the coming obsolescence of the human race as we know it. In that way, it shares a thematic element with "Changes"... and Friedrich Nietzsche.

"Song for Bob Dylan" from Hunky Dory

"Give us back our unity, give us back our family, you're every nation's refugee, don't leave us with our sanity!" In one line Bowie sums up the influence of Sixties counterculture on the American and British public. He uses Bob Dylan (called by his birth name Robert Zimmerman in this song) to stand in for the whole rock-folk-protest movement, but this song is about a lot more than just one man. Stylistically, however, it is clearly a tribute to Dylan's country-fied efforts on albums like Nashville Skyline and with The Band. This may be one of the lesser-known tracks off Hunky Dory, but it shouldn't be -- I hope after you listen to the track you'll agree.

"Suffragette City" from The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars

Yeah, pretty ridiculous album title. Whaddyagonnado? It was the Seventies. Whatever, this is one catchy as hell example of Bowie's glam-rock vibe from the Ziggy Stardust period. It's also got a lot of references to early rock-and-roll, including the call-and-response backing vocals ("Hey, man!") and the Jerry Lee Lewis piano rolls. Bowie nasal'd up his vocal for this track, which was common for him with the Ziggy Startdust persona. One interesting tidbit about this track is that a synthesized saxophone sound was used in lieu of a real saxophone, which is rare for Bowie since he usually played the saxophone himself on his tracks (I told you he was a friggin' great musician!). Turns out he wasn't happy with his own sound, so went for the synth instead. That right there is self-evaluation to the max, folks.

"Panic in Detroit" from Aladdin Sane

This is a frivolous little ditty about a rather less than frivolous subject. Bowie was close friends with Iggy Pop, who was from Detroit, and this song is based on Pop's recounting of his early days with the Detroit "revolutionaries." The music conveys a sense of tension -- or even, dare I say it, panic -- with its high-strung guitar riff and staccato rhythms. Sometimes Bowie's lyrics can venture into the Nebula of Confusion when he writes, and this song's meaning is pretty hard to pin down. We know it's about Iggy Pop's early days, and is set in Detroit, and it has something to do with panicking, but it's more difficult to discern what the overall "point" of the song is. Ah well, just enjoy the music whydoncha?

"Sorrow" from Pin Ups

Pin Ups was an album of (mostly pretty bad) covers that Bowie released in the mid-1970's. Wisely on the producers' part, however, "Sorrow," a song originally recorded by minor pop band The McCoys, was the only single released from this record. Bowie's distinctive, echoing tenor was never more at home than on this track, and the funked-up instrumentation helps carry this cover well beyond the limits of its parent track. Also, his facial expression on the front of this album always cracked me up. I wish that, instead of saying "Bowie/Pin Ups" the album just had the word "SCIENCE!" written in big, bold type to go along with that facial expression.

"Rebel Rebel" from Diamong Dogs

One of the classic guitar riffs of all rock history anchors this standard from the last days of Bowie's glam period. Apart from some borderline tranny lyrical stuff ("You got your mother in a whirl /She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl."), this is a pretty straightforward, kick ass rock song. Unlike almost all of Bowie's previous albums, his longtime guitarist Mick Ronson did not play guitar on Diamond Dogs, so the riff and rhythm were handled by Bowie himself. Rolling Stones fans may notice a striking similarity to certain Stones songs, and Bowie acknowledged a debt to Keith Richards for this song. His strident use of cowbell might well in turn have referenced Blue Oyster Cult, however, so it's a pay-it-forward kinda deal.

"Young Americans" from Young Americans

Having left the glam scene behind with Diamond Dogs, Bowie looked to the 1970's funk soul-brother scene for his next musical inspiration. The result was a new, raunchier sound and a focus more on American lifestyle and culture than before. The resultant album, Young Americans was a revolution both for Bowie and the UK rock scene of the 1970's. While previous British acts had certainly tapped into and cloned to various degrees the American rock sensibility, no one had really made the basic, underlying experiences his own. Bowie changed that. This song (I've uploaded the single rather than the album version here, because it's better) always reminded me of proto-Springsteen in a lot of ways, except much more danceable. Love this track.

"Fame" from Young Americans

I know, I know... this is one of the classic Bowie tracks that you'd expect to see on any Bowie lineup, but I couldn't resist. Most of you probably know all about this track, but did you know that the voice at the end singing "Fame! Fame! Fame!" is John Lennon? Yep. He actually got a co-writing credit on the song, although I'm not sure to what extent his contribution reached. Another thing you might not know about this song is that Bowie was so funky here that a lot of the music and content of "Fame" was essentially ripped off by James Brown (the Godfather himself, no less!) on several tracks, most notably his single "Hot." You know you're doing something right when the originator of originators is ripping you off.

"TVC 15" from Station to Station

Inhabiting the last of his outsized personae on this album, Station to Station saw Bowie as the "Thin White Duke." Still into the funky sounds of the Seventies, Bowie predicted a lot of what was happening in terms of the change of musical tastes on Station to Station, especially in his incorporation of synthesizers and artificial music machinery like drum machines. Bowie claims he was drugged out for the entirety of this album and cannot to this day remember any of the studio sessions, but it seems clear he was influenced by European synth bands like Kraftwerk here. His later collaborations with Brian Eno on albums like Low are prefigured on Station to Station, but this track "TVC 15" is a bit more of a throwback. It's more upbeat than the rest of the album, and it features more of the instrumental funk and less of the synths than the other tracks do. Lyrically, this song makes absolutely no sense, and Bowie himself has stated that he's mystified by it -- having no recollection of writing or recording it whatsoever.

"Sound and Vision" from Low

Sometimes you hear a song and you wonder just how in the hell any human being came up with a musical combination so intricate. Sound and Vision brings that question immediately to mind on a single listening, and answers it with a single word: "drugs." Bowie was heavily addicted to cocaine at this point in his musical life, and wrote the lyrics in the middle of a cocaine binge. The music, similarly, was handled when he was less than sharp as a tack. What's so interesting about this particular song, and what makes it stand out on a generally fantastic album in Low, is the juxtaposition between Bowie's laconic, baritone vocal and the breezy, happy-go-lucky orchestration. If you dig this track, make sure to check out the excellent cover version by The Sea and Cake.

"Beauty and the Beast" from "Heroes"

"Beauty and the Beast" starts out with a build up that kinda makes you imagine he's trying to show you, musically, how the transformation from a beauty to a beast would work. By the time of "Heroes", and yes, the quotations are part of the album title, Bowie was firmly entrenched in his Brian Eno-collaborative "Berlin" period. This album was entirely recorded in West Berlin, and -- as you can clearly hear on the lead-off track -- featured Eno's synthetic influence in no short supply. Although Bowie has never formally explained this song, I've always figured it was about his notoriously mercurial mood swings during the period in which he was heavily drugged out. Whatever it's about, it sure is cool -- although a lot of hardcore Bowie fans didn't take a shine to his transition away from his earlier funk/glam sounds at all. Meh, that's par for the course with genius.

"Under Pressure" from Hot Space
(with Queen)

Betcha didn't know that this Queen song featured David Bowie, didja? You did? Well, whatever, I'm putting it here anyway, because it's one of the most perfect power ballads of all time. Combining two of the greatest vocalists (with very different styles) in the history of rock and roll, a beat so catchy it was ripped off by none other than Vanilla Ice, and a powerful message in the lyrics, "Under Pressure" is as good as it got in the 1980's. Not much more to say here, you already know everything you need to know about this track after a single listen.

"Ashes to Ashes" from Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps)

A return to glam? Well, more like a stint with the New Wave movement that was so popular throughout the benighted decade Ralph Macchio loved so well. Listening to Bowie's vocal on this song always puts me in mind of Ric Ocasek's singing for The Cars. And that's no small compliment -- The Cars were the absolute, unchallenged pinnacle of New Wave. Apart from its plaintive, introspective lyrics in and of themselves, this song is moving for Bowie's harsh look back at his own earlier career -- going so far as to tell us that Major Tom is addicted to drugs -- and its childlike tenor: "My mother said, to get things done, you better not mess with Major Tom..." Scary Monsters was a big hit in the UK for Bowie, but I've never thought the album was particularly strong -- except, of course, for "Ashes to Ashes."

"China Girl" from Let's Dance
(with Iggy Pop)

Originally recorded by Iggy Pop, this track was literally unheard of until Bowie re-recorded his version in 1983. The whole Let's Dance album is tons of fun -- Bowie was beginning to move away from his Low-esque synths and downbeat tracks and was getting, for better or for worse, more and more wrapped up in the high times of the Eighties. This song, however, had been written in the Seventies and therefore still maintained some of the core sounds and themes of that era, while "updating" itself musically for the contemporary audience. A nifty hybrid like this is fairly rare among Bowie's work, since he usually eschewed the middle ground and jumped into whatever persona/tonality he was interested in with both feet, so it's a treat of a track. One thing you need to know about this track is that the greatest of the great, Stevie Ray Vaughan, played guitar on it (along with the rest of Let's Dance). Bowie had heard him play at a bar once and was utterly blown away, so he decided to give Stevie a chance to make some cash and get his name out there under Bowie's auspices. If for nothing else, Bowie should rank among the greatest contributors to music just for that.

"Hallo Spaceboy" from Outside

Fast forwarding through Bowie's Eighties stuff takes us to this driving house track, recorded with (once again) Brian Eno and his Fantastic Synthesizer Band (okay I made the name of his band up). Bowie was struggling to stay relevant throughout the 1980's and '90's and Outside was an album-length attempt to reinvent himself yet again for his audience. It's a mixed success, but I always dug this weird, Sprockets-esque track and its gender-bender lyrics. Note that, once again, Bowie references his earlier hit "Space Oddity" in this track... some meal tickets just keep on feeding the beast.

"It's Hard to Be a Saint in the City" from The Best of David Bowie 1974-1979

Rather than go through to Bowie's more modern tracks, I figured I'd end this blog entry by taking it back to the beginning and showcasing Bowie's prodigious talent for covering other artists' songs. This one here is a Bruce Springsteen cover that Bowie did before Springsteen was Springsteen at all -- Bowie always did have an ear for great talent -- and that is vastly superior to the Boss's original (appearing on the album Greetings from Asbury Park, N.J., if you're interested). I simply love this track, it's not only one of my favorite covers, or even one of my favorite Bowie songs, it's one of my favorite rock songs, period. Brilliant stuff, so evocative of its time.

Well, that ends yet another Pantheon installment. This one was a doozy, but hell, when you're dealing with a luminary like Bowie, it just doesn't make sense to be parsimonious with word count. Hope you enjoyed it!

Killer Film Trailers - June 2009

2009-06-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

I love movies. Who doesn't? Maybe you guys. I don't know. But this is my blog, so if you don't love movies, go read Ain't It Cool News. Although I watch a lot of movies, I rarely get to see trailers at the theater I go to (it doesn't show trailers), so I have to make it my business to go find the coolest film trailers on the internets and watch them separate-like. I honestly believe the film trailer is a sort of art form in and of itself. Commercial art, sure -- but virtually all art is commercial to some degree or another. Anyway, I figured I'd share some of the cooler looking film trailers with you here, for the second half of 2009. I've included trailers that are either cool in their own right, are advertising movies that show lots of potential, or both. I've also tried to go for movies that you (hopefully) haven't seen too much info about already -- I like to surprise my audience.

Moon
(wri. Duncan Jones, Nathan Parker; dir. Duncan Jones)

The Hurt Locker
(wri. Mark Boal; dir. Kathryn Bigelow)

In the Loop
(wri. Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, Tony Roche; dir. Armando Iannucci)

The Goods
(wri. Andy Stock, Rick Stempson; dir. Neal Brennan)

9
(wri. Shane Acker, Ben Gluck; dir. Shane Acker)

Sherlock Holmes
(wri. Guy Ritchie, Anthony Peckham, Simon Kinberg; dir. Guy Ritchie)

Merantau
(wri./dir. Gareth Evans)

Astro Boy
(wri. Timothy Harris; dir. David Bowers)

What's the Difference between Theft and Taxes?

2009-06-18T09:39:00.000-07:00

I recently had a discussion over instant messenger with a buddy, which raised an interesting question. We were discussing the issue of universal health care/socialized medicine/whatever you wanna call it, and it came to a point where we reached an impasse. See, regardless of how a government-run health care system would work, it would inevitably, like all programs based on government funding, require taxation of some sort to function. Now, taxation comes in a lot of forms, from direct taxes like income or sales tax, to indirect taxes like tariffs and license fees, to "secret" taxes like inflation. I came to realize during this conversation that all of these forms of taxation have one thing in common: they rely on either force (don't pay your taxes and you go to jail) or fraud (printing more money in order to dilute the money supply and make everyone's money lose value to the benefit of those who receive the newly printed money first) to take resources from people and give those resources to the source of the force or fraud.

Understand that I'm not writing this blog entry to make a political point. I'd really like to know if anyone has an answer to this question, because if there is no way to reconcile it, I think taxes amount to a serious problem for any society that considers itself free. The question I mean, simply stated, runs: "Is there any difference between taxation and legalized theft?" And, I suppose if the answer is ultimately "No, there is no difference," then the next question is: "Why is it acceptable for the government to engage in activities that would be illegal for anyone else to engage in?" But that second one, while critical, is only a corollary question. For now, I'd like to examine the philosophical issues relating to whether or not taxes are equivalent to theft.

Definitions

First, let's define a few terms.

Theft in the following will be used as a blanket term to cover all forms of improper taking of money or property by force or fraud. However, it may be useful to define a couple of sub-terms, for specificity's sake.
Robbery - Dictionary.com defines this as: "the felonious taking of the property of another from his or her person or in his or her immediate presence, against his or her will, by violence or intimidation." Take special note of the "or intimidation" piece of that, as government typically uses the threat of force, rather than actual force, to take property.
Fraud - This term will be used interchangeably with "trick" herein, to mean any taking of property or money by means of subversion or deceit, overt or covert, direct or indirect.
Government - refers to the person or people in control of the police power in a society -- in other words, the people legally empowered to initiate violence upon others in order to take personal or real property for public use (for you non-lawyer types, "personal" property is "stuff," like money and Wheat Thins, "real" property means land and houses, as in "real estate").
Health Care - refers to the provision of preventative and/or remedial medicine by professional physicians, therapists, and other specialists for the purpose of preventing death and improving physical health of the human body.

Transcript

To provide some context, I'm going to reproduce a transcript of the discussion my friend and I had that really got me started thinking about this question. I have heavily edited it for style and redacted some personal or irrelevant things, but the content here is otherwise exactly as we discussed it. I am not going to say which of the two people in the below discussion is me and which is my friend. Don't try to guess, just think about the points being made. Also, try ignore the initial sarcastic gibes, we're a sarcastic bunch, my friends and I.

Alpha: Oh yes, health care for everybody... what a terrible idea.

Beta: More like health care for some guy I never met, paid for by me, at the expense of my kids. Screw my kids, they don't need to go to private school, this random dude from Poughkeepsie needs a chest x-ray!

Alpha: Yeah, much better that people go into bankruptcy, or stay with awful jobs just for the health care, or simply go without. What an obviously equitable system!

Beta: Well, first of all, one of the reasons health is so expensive right now is because of the many regulations that government places on private insurers, and another is because the government has not adequately provided alternatives to third-party payer systems. An alternative like a health savings account might be a great step toward that, for example. Therefore, it seems to me that more government involvement in health care is only going to make it tougher for people to get the treatments they need. Sure, more people will theoretically have access to health care, but lines will be long, treatment will be poorer, and results will be unsatisfactory. As for taking awful jobs, we all need money. Sometimes that means we do jobs we don't like. I would ask if you expect the government to provide for every possible contingency and thereby obviate the need for work at all. Clearly that's impossible -- but your angle here has taken us away from the point at issue. That is that health care does not magically appear from out of nowhere; there are no free lunches in this world. Everything that is given to anyone by the government must be taken from someone else by force, first. So the most equitable system, it seems to me, is one where people keep their own property and they decide what to do with it, not some committee in Washington.

Alpha: Yes, damn the government! All these services they provide are so useless...

Beta: What does the government "provide," exactly?

Alpha: Sorry, I was too busy riding this subway to answer your question.

Beta: Right... okay, but the subway is funded by taxpayers, not government juice. So, in reality, the "government" doesn't provide the subway, we do.

Alpha: Ah, so you're saying taxes are merely stealing from the populace, then?

Beta: Hm. Now that I think about it, it is the taking of property by force. Technically that's robbery, not stealing, but yeah. I guess, if you really consider it, it's hard to see how taxes aren't just theft. And therefore, can you name any services that the government provides, in and of itself, without extracting resources from the people first?

Alpha: I just named one, and could easily name others that you already no doubt know. Just because you're insisting that taxes are theft all of a sudden doesn't mean the government does not provide services based on those taxes.

Beta: Okay, but can you demonstrate how the government provides these services itself? It seems to me that in all cases the government must engage in some form of legalized robbery in order to "provide" services. And that just sounds like a protection racket from the mafia, if you ask me: "give us the money, and we give you services that you may or may not want... paid for with your money."

Alpha: No, that's not a fair analogy, because the government provides services for the common good, as opposed to serving its own needs, like the mafia extortion example you gave. I know you don't even believe that a "common good" exists, but there it is.

Beta: All right, so supposing I hack into your bank account and steal all your money and then turn around and give the money to starving kids in Houston or something. Does that make my actions not theft?

Alpha: Well, were you elected to do that by the people of the country?

Beta: Okay, so if we get enough people to agree with me that it's okay to steal your savings -- regardless of what I do with them -- it's then not theft?

Alpha: I would say that it depends. Is it okay to take someone's real property from him to build a freeway through it that benefits everyone? Yes. Is it okay to take away someone's right to vote because of the color of his skin? No.

Beta: All right, parsing that leads me to ask: why? What is the difference between taking someone's property and his suffrage? Why is one morally acceptable to do by the government when it would be a crime for a private citizen, but the other is morally unacceptable either way?

Alpha: Because losing the one does not impact the victim's ability to participate in the democratic process -- that is, vote -- whereas the other certainly, directly does.

Beta: Okay, but that just begs the question: why is it wrong to take away someone's ability to participate in the democratic process, but not wrong to take away his property? I mean, the two are not even clearly separated. For example, what if the state takes away my car, and I'm unable to get to a voting booth? I guess the main issue is: why does the fact that you can get 51% of the people to vote for an issue make that issue morally acceptable regardless of other factors?

Alpha: So, am I to understand that you feel the government provides no services whatsoever? It does not serve the common good?

Beta: Well, I'm arguing that the government provides nothing at all, except what it takes by force from some people and then "redistributes" to other people. The idea of a "common good" is a whole other can of worms that we may want to leave for another time, but it always makes me wonder just who is defining "common" and "good."

Alpha: So I take it that you're against any and all forms of redistribution, for any reason.

Beta: Well, we're not talking about "for any reason" right now. The issue is whether or not it's ethical for the government to do things that would be unethical for private citizens to do. I think you'd agree that using force to make someone do or give up or fund something against his will is wrong, morally.

Alpha: Well, what about the military or the police? Are you saying you oppose collecting taxes to fund those services that the government provides?

Beta: Again, it's not about me personally opposing or supporting a particular action, it's whether you and I can decipher why it's morally acceptable, in an objective sense, for the government to steal when it isn't morally acceptable for private citizens to steal. While it's true that there are certain functions which the government may -- and I stress "may" -- be able to perform more efficiently than the private sector, such as maintaining the military, that's extraneous to the issue we're discussing. Remember, I'm only asking what makes it morally acceptable for the government to do these activities. If you're saying: "When the government does it, that means it is not unethical." then that's a whole ethical system which we would need to evaluate.

Alpha: No, I'm not saying that by virtue of the fact that government is doing something that it's automatically morally acceptable -- nice try trapping me with that Richard Nixon quote, though. What I'm saying is: government acts on behalf of the common good, and actions that are done on behalf of the common good, and with the approval of the people, are justifiable regardless of some free-floating moral obligation that suggests otherwise.

Beta: Okay. Leaving aside the obvious problem involved in the idea that the approval of a large portion of the populace somehow obviates a moral obligation, let's examine the other half of your equation. What do you mean by "common good"?

Alpha: Anything that is beneficial to all or a majority of the members of a given society.

Beta: All right. How would you define "beneficial"?

Alpha: Something that is helpful to most people. That assists them in going about their daily lives. Something that makes life easier for the majority.

Beta: Okay, again: how do we define "helpful," "assist," and "easier." You see what I'm getting at, right? There are always problems with terms like these, because they're inherently subjective. Just because you think it's "helpful" for a majority of people to never be allowed to consume high-fructose corn syrup, for example, does that make it morally acceptable for the government to use force to prevent people from doing so? What if it's "helpful" for some people because it makes them healthier, but also makes them less happy because they're unable to drink their favorite sodas anymore? Has that been, on the whole, "helpful"? Has it made anyone's life "easier"? Take socialized medicine, for example: you can argue that having most people covered by a single-payer system "benefits" society, but what do you mean by benefit?

Alpha: Well, access to medicine for everybody allows more people to be productive members of society, rather than a drain on it. At the very least it limits their health issues and makes them and the people who care about them happier for it. These are both clearly "benefits" by any definition of the term. Why is this so hard to comprehend?

Beta: Okay, I'll concede that those are definitely benefits. I'm not certain that so-called universal health care will provide those benefits, but assuming arguendo that it will, there is another issue. It's easy to focus on the people benefited by a particular social program, but that only looks at part of the picture. In order to pay for the health care, someone had to forgo something he might have otherwise done. Rather than being allowed to spend the money, as he might have, on a new suit for a job interview or on a college tutor for his child, a man is now required to spend money on health care for others, or at best health care for himself that he may never use. This is clearly not a benefit to him, but is rather a detriment. Also, the fact that the man has lost his right to choose what to do with his property is, in and of itself, of great detriment. The more loss of freedom people experience the less happy their lives will be. If history has shown anything it's shown that the imposition of more and more government regulation in the name of benefiting this or that cause has made people more and more interested in getting rid of that government.

Alpha: All that may be true, but you can't deny that the existence of universal health care will be of benefit to people who would otherwise be without health care, and that is a benefit to everyone because it keeps those people in the work force and productive. Also, it's all well and good to talk about freedom, but if your body isn't functioning or if you have a debilitating injury, all the freedom in the world doesn't mean anything. Universal medicine will help people who have those problems be much happier. At this point, we're just arguing about whether or not there is a "net" benefit, and that can only be judged on a case-by-case basis, I think.

Beta: You're right, which is why we should let each case sort itself out, not have a blanket rule for all cases. You're also right that we've gotten away from the main issue, which is this: even if we believe that a benefit to the common good comes from government action, we still need to say why this outweighs the indisputable fact that robbery is wrong; even robbery for "the common good." So why is it not wrong when the government does it?

Alpha: Well, I disagree with your basic definition of "theft." Taxes aren't theft, they're a fee we pay to live in an organized society. I think we disagree on some fundamental premises, so I doubt this conversation is going anywhere.

Beta: No, I think we both agree on what the definition of theft is... you make it sound like this is a matter of opinion, but we're disputing a concrete fact: the government is engaging in an activity that if a private citizen were to do it would be illegal. You have not disputed that, because it's patently obvious. So why is it, then, when we attach a different word, "taxes," to the same activity, it becomes acceptable in your mind? If they're a "fee" as you put it, then what's to stop the government from charging any fee it likes at any time? What is the difference between a bank simply stealing your holdings and buying a new corporate jet and terming it a "fee"? You have offered that taxes serve the common good and are therefore acceptable, but I've pointed out that the definition of "common good" is slippery, and that a private citizen stealing for the common good would not be acceptable to you. You've also posited that the fact that an action is approved by a majority in the democratic process makes it acceptable, but I've pointed out that the fact that a majority of people votes on something doesn't make that action morally acceptable, as prior democratic majorities have voted for laws we now find abhorrent. So the question remains: what about taxes justifies them and/or differentiates them from simple theft? If the answer is: taxes are different because the government does them, pure and simple, that leaves us with either a "might makes right" philosophy, or a slavish adherence to government action, no matter the consequences. Neither of those, I think, are philosophies to which you adhere.

Alpha: Well, you're right about that, but I think your definition of taxation in terms of robbery is overly simplistic. However, I have to go now -- there's a soccer game on that I really don't want to miss. We can continue this another time.

Beta: Gotcha. Have fun.

Audience Participation

One of the best things about blogging online, rather than writing essays in print, is that I can get direct responses from you, the readers, when I put up a post. So, I'm interested to hear what you have to say in comments, but those of you who are more casual and would rather not write a comment can voice your opinion using the little widget below. Thanks for participating!

Survey Results

Conclusion

I'm sure you're all more than familiar with Ben Franklin's famous quotation about the inevitability of taxation, so I won't rehash it here. However, simply because we feel that taxes are inevitable doesn't mean they, in fact, are. Should we live with theft just because we're used to it? Is taxation indeed theft? There's the rub. If it is, how can we allow it to go on -- regardless of to what level it has inculcated itself into our culture, wrong is wrong. If it were "normal" or "inevitable" that blacks should be slaves, if that were part of our cultural world view, would we simply accept that, even though we knew it to be morally wrong?

Honestly, I'm really looking for input here, folks. In light of my conversation with my friend, I'm left with serious questions about the nature and morality involved in taxation. Then again, I simply can't see how a government could begin to function without it. Perhaps we could institute a system of lotteries, or allow the government to sell resources, or just have it sell bonds. I don't know. I'm all ears here, because this taxation quandary has got me ready to go fly a kite in a lightning storm.

Some Music Videos for Your Eyes and Ears

2009-06-16T13:37:00.000-07:00

Apologies for my recent absence, while I'm in the field deriving wonderful stories to spin for you here on Cross Chop, allow me to tide you over with some entertaining music videos from YouTube -- I did my best to pick videos that were not only interesting, but featured good songs, too. Enjoy.

Electric Six - "Danger! High Voltage!"

"Fire in the Taco Bell!" So the man in this video is actually the lead singer of the band, and is indeed providing the vocal. The woman is an actress -- the vocal is actually being sung by Jack White of the White Stripes. Kinky!

Röyksopp - "Remind Me"

Röyksopp are known for their trippy, easy-listening electronic music, and this track certainly fits that bill. They're also known for their cool music videos, and I like this one's use of motifs from informational posters and videos.

Jason Forrest - "War Photographer"

Another electronic music video, this one always struck me as reminiscent of what Tim Schafer is trying to do with Brütal Legend, except this video feels more real and less factitious than Schafer's project. The lack of any Jack Black in the Jason Forrest song also increases its value immensely.

Sigur Ros - "Glósóli"

I confess that I like this song more than I like the video, but it's still a very interesting one. What happens to the final kid at the end? Are we to understand that not everyone can make it, or that there have to be sacrifices, or that he just wasn't made of the right stuff, or something else entirely? I'd be interested to hear your views.

The Avalanches - "Frontier Psychiatrist"

Always loved the surrealism going on here. Don't know whether to laugh or be terrified.

Rob Dougan - "Clubbed to Death"

Yeah, this track will be forever associated with those crappy Matrix films, but it should be associated instead with this really interesting video. Aside from the "message" of the video, appreciate what a feat of editing and training on the part of the main actor it took to accomplish the shots you see here. Really good stuff.

Bob Dylan - "Subterranean Homesick Blues"

One of the earliest music videos (before MTV, folks!), this one is helped by the subtle disjunction between the lyrics sung and those displayed on the falling cue cards. I also love this one for the fact that a conversation between two random Hasidic Jews is going on left of frame for the entire duration.