Counting to Ten with Good Music

My friend just had his second child (and he's just one among many friends having kids). And as much as I find it bizarre that a guy I used to play Magic: The Gathering with when we were both 12 years old is now a father of two, I have to learn to accept that people grow up. Hell, his kid will grow up, and one of the things that his kid will need to learn is how to count to ten. He will also need to learn what good music is, and how to separate it from bad music that will rot his brain. So, in the spirit of raising the children of tomorrow, teaching them well and letting them lead the way, I present my 1-10 counting and music dual lesson extravaganza!

"One" - Harry Nilsson
Ecclectic songwriter Harry Nilsson wrote the opening to this song, the story goes, when he tried to call a friend and got a busy signal on the line. He sat there listening to the repetitive "bon-bon-bon" over and over, and the opening monotone of the song was born. Although the original version by the songwriter is stark and ethereal and really good, by far the most famous recording is the hard rocker by Three Dog Night (a band which made a lot of their money covering other artists), which I've linked above.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "One" by U2, because U2 is the worst band ever, and also has the number 2 in its name, which will confuse the child.


"Two Princes" - The Spin Doctors
Ah, the number two. A child's favorite number because poop-related things are fun when you're a kid. This fun little rock ditty by the here-today-gone-tomorrow Spin Doctors has always put a smile on my face, and probably would be an excellent soundtrack to dropping a deuce, among other things. It's basically the singer begging a chick to marry him instead of a rich guy because he loves her and the rich guy just has a lot of money. Why must women always choose between real love and driving a Bentley, I tell ya!

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Smoke Two Joints" by Sublime. Do I really need to explain why?

"Three Little Birds" - Bob Marley and the Wailers
This jaunty little reggae tune is guaranteed to put a smile on the face of even the most cynical and world-weary baby. Indeed, the image of three birds singing to the singer as he wakes up in the morning seems straight out of a Disney movie, but even more positive is their message: "Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right." Although possibly platitudinous, this is something I think we all need to hear once in a while.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Three Times a Lady" by Kenny Rogers. I never understood what "three times a lady" even means, and the song itself is moronical in both lyrics and music.

"Four Walls" - Cold Chisel
If you don't know them (and why would you?), Cold Chisel are an Australian "pub rock" band, huge in the 1970's and 80's, and still selling well today. This track, a lament about prison life, both showcases lead singer Jimmy Barnes' killer pipes and is a good lesson for your child about what happens if you go to prison. In Australia.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "25 or 6 to 4" by Chicago. Yes, 4 is in there, but there's too many goddamn numbers, it's confusing. And the lyrics make no sense. Good song for non-children, though!

"Take Five" - The Dave Brubeck Quartet
An excellent song for teaching your toddler how to count in odd rhythms, and also for teaching him how to write amazing, catchy music. Dave Brubeck's entire Time Out album could've been used on this list, but this song is his most famous, and for good reason. It's pretty damn astounding from a compositional and performance perspective.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Mambo Number 5" by Lou Bega. I'm not sure if Mambo Number 5 is the worst song ever written, but it's probably in the top... 5. See what I did there?

"6th Avenue Heartache" - The Wallflowers
Some people might advocate Jimi Hendrix's "If 6 was 9" here, but I can't go with that, because it a) it kinda reminds me of 69, and is therefore inappropriate, b) it has two numbers in it, confusing children, and c) it improperly uses the indicative mood of the verb "to be" where the subjunctive (i.e., "If 6 were 9) is correct. Therefore, I went with this fun, if slightly whiney, Wallflowers song, which I like mostly because of The Counting Crows' Adam Duritz's background vocals.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean" by Explosions in the Sky. Pretty much every Explosions in the Sky song sounds the same, and it's not like this one is bad, but I feel like being at the bottom of the ocean for six days without some kind of life-support system would be a dangerous goal for an infant to have.

"Theme from The Magnificent Seven" - Elmer Bernstein
One of the most famous and iconic of all Western themes, Bernstein's score was a major influence on the score John Williams did to Indiana Jones, among other things. It's also a really kick ass orchestral piece, evocative somehow of time for which it is, in reality, rather anachronistic. But such are the expectations that Hollywood engenders, I suppose. Any kid who listens to this song and doesn't get fired up ought to be sent to macho camp for three months. Unless it's a girl. Then four months.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "7 Things" by Miley Cyrus. Look, I don't hate all teen queen pop tarts, but Miley Cyrus is the most marginally talented of them to come along in a while. Also, her face looks like a frog. We don't want to scare the kids.

"Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive" - Johnny Mercer and the Pied Pipers
Okay, so this one doesn't exactly have "eight" in the title, but it does have "ate," and that's close enough, as far as I'm concerned. Honestly, there just aren't any really good songs with the number eight in the title folks. On the plus side, playing this song for him at number at will help your kid learn what a homonym is! And it has such a nice message, as well.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Eight Days a Week" by the Beatles. You don't want little Johnny growing up thinking the Beatles generally put out this kind of dreck, do you?

"Nine-Pound Hammer" - Merle Travis
One of the classic tunes of the bluegrass genre (which is awesome), this Merle Travis number has been covered about a bajillion times, but I like the live ensemble version I linked, above, a lot. I also like that this song is about the hardships of working on a railroad and/or coal mining, both pursuits you probably don't want your youngin' to be looking forward to as career choices while he's growing up. Life lessons abound in bluegrass music, folks. This one's especially perfect, as the number 9 is mentioned twice in the song: once referencing the titular hammer, and again when the singer asks the listener to make his tombstone "out of number-9 coal."

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Nine in the Afternoon" by Panic at the Disco. Look, nine-o'clock doesn't occur in the afternoon. You want your kid to grow up ignorant!?

"Tenth Avenue Freeze Out" - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
The quintessential E Street Band song, literally about the formation of the E Street Band itself, this is the perfect capper to the 1-10 list since it kicks so much ass. It also will teach your child about the importance of having a complete ensemble of instruments, literally with regard to music, and also in all group activities in life. You need your singer, your guitars, your piano, your drums, but you also need that bit of brass for color, too.

Song to never, ever play your kid for this number: "Ten Little Indians" by the devil himself. The goddamn most annoying song that kids sing, ever. Even if you like Indians and midgets.